Thursday, May 25, 2006

Scary Banshees

I just ran across my dvd of Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Frightening, yet so lovely! I abhor banshees and the screaming they create. I do, on the other hand, like leprechauns as long as they're not trying to kill me...I like it when they yell "Where's me gooooold??????" and jump around. Gold is good.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Holy Russian

About 3 minutes in til the end of the whole thing...I couldn't breathe. Is this for real?


Tuesday, May 23, 2006


I know you're not supposed to Dooce yourself, but goodness gracious, I have to vent about work.

There's a blonde. A particularly gorgeous, tiny, skinny, barbie doll lookin blonde who is in the office next to me. She dresses perfectly, she has her makeup done perfectly, she's perfect...til she speaks. You know those little girls you knew growing up who talked like they were being forced to yell? Scratchy cute voice and all but really really loud? And the laugh to shatter glass? K yeah, she's here. She's loud, and God forbid if any of us are having meetings in our offices or conference calls. She makes herself known.

She scares me. Yep.

Dude, look. MC Hammer blog. Hell yeah! thanks to Nightmare for the MC Hammer link yo

Monday, May 22, 2006

I hate that James Blunt Song "Beautiful" so much!@!!#!!$!$

Incase you were wondering, I just had a sandwich with turkey breast and light mayo and mustard on white bread and I put Doritos in it. That's how I like it.

I put together my baby's nursery yesterday, and my husband's mom gave him a dresser to build for his old apartment in Redlands but he never put it together, he just threw everything he had on the floor which I thought was so "bachelorish and hot" way back then in the 05. So I put it together and I shit you had about 300 screws and we didn't have an electric screw driver so my right wrist is sore...OBVIOUSLY. Duh.

Then our big fat cat named Fatty got in the crib and layed right in the middle and I was so mad but she was cute, so we got her out and kissed her and threw her out the door and then slammed it and now she's been coming in there going in the crib every 3 seconds and now the kisses have stopped. I want to kill her, but we think she's cute so we don't.

Oh and my ex, the fag, he is trying to mess my head up by being a total dick all of the time and by hurting my kids just to make me mad so I had a total mental breakdown, and I know it was a mental breakdown because I was totally silent and my husband just held my hand because he didn't know what to say to me because I am never never silent. Imagine that! Then he said that if the ex wants to talk to me from here on out, he can just talk to him first. My ex is scared of Mike so this is good.

Now I laugh laugh laugh and I'm so laughing because cats in cribs? Absurd.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Sweet Pregnant Mama...

I think I'm the rudest mom in the land because last night, as my little ones were gathering themselves for a long winter's nap in their rooms, brushing their teeth, putting on pajamas, gathering books for their reading pleasure...I came around the corner screeching like a pterodactyl...with my best "blair witch face" up on my grill. You know the one...big eyes, nostrils flared, teeth a'flyin out. They cried and cried and which I laughed til I cried. Hey, at least I cried, jeez.

I'm totally getting the "Best Mom Of The Century" award from Oprah, I can feeeeeeel it.

Friday, May 12, 2006


There are a few rumors out right now about me and I thought I'd extinguish one of them right now for you all:
  1. I am NOT a scientologist. Although many of you think so because of the way I've been hangin with the Cruisemeister lately and his Kate-bot, its untrue. I just like their guacamole.

I do however have a pretend boyfriend and he loves me. One time we were all laying in bed and he said "I love you" and I was all "I love you" and he was all "I love you more" and I was like "No, I love YOU more" and he was all "Pshh, I love YOU more" and then we fell into a pile of giggles and rolled around on the mattress. Lovely.

K, its friday and that's bitchin! Hope your day is sweet and that you don't catch on fire!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hipp Hipp Hooree!!!

My brother just called because he got into law school. He's going to Cal Western in San Diego, so he and his pregnant wife and their year old little boy are moving. This is exciting for oh so many reasons. Let me list a few right now, in no particular order, NOW WITH BULLETS!:

  • I am now and have always been in love with the Diego of San. Love. When I lived there as a small/medium sized child, I thought I was beautiful with my long blonde hair and tan skin and blue eyes peeping out at all of the people who I imagined were saying to themselves "Dear Lord, look at that child, she's simply the most gee-OR-geous small/medium sized child I have eh-vuh seen, I do dee-clayuh" but I'm not sure why I imagined them to sound like southern belles. I just did.
  • I know San Diego like the back of my hand. I go there for no reason at all quite frequently. Its my most favorite So Cal area. I can walk to a ton of places and always see something different. Plus, all the girls there are hot. All of them. Thats so hot.
  • Hobos. Tons of them. They all just blend in with the area whiteys. Or they blend in with all of the mexicans who live there. Its such a friendly community, all the hobo love.
  • Mexican food.
  • Old Town.
  • MIDGET VILLAGE!!!!! Ok, one time I heard there was a scary midget community who lives there. They live on a hill near La Jolla (my absolute second favorite place on earth) and they have little doors and little houses and little cars and little babies and little beds. Oh and I heard that if you come upon this little hidden village they come out of their houses and stand in the doorways and stare at you. Holy crap, do you ever type something scary and you scare the crap out of yourself? K, me too.
  • Seaport Village. They have a kite shoppe there. Nuff said.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Do You Move?

When you're sleeping, and someone does something sweet for you, for example, if your partner closes the door extra quietly when they "think" you're sleeping, as not to wake you, do you move? Blink? Say "I'm awake"?

My kids will sneak in sometimes and bring me flowers and set them on my bedside. I'm awake, but I'm not "awake" so I keep my eyes closed so I don't ruin the moment.

This morning, my husband kissed my bare shoulder as I layed on my side. He generally sleeps the same direction as me, his front pressed against my back, spoony style, you know? Its just how we sleep, and I love it. But this morning, I was half awake in the early twilight and he kissed my shoulder but carefully so I wouldn't wake.

This to me was as good as any diamond bracelet with a card that says "I love you"...

maybe I'm just a cheap date.

I'm going to do this again!

I need to start up my bloggin again and now's the time.

What's new...hmm...well, this baby thinks he needs to come right now. My other kids are fantastic, except the fact that their father is the worst kind of ass on the planet.

Get this yo, last weekend was his weekend with the kids right? K so he only has them 2 weekends a month and even on those days, he picks them up at about 6 on Friday afternoon and brings them home on Sunday morning at about 9 am. I take them back to his house at like 3:00 after I take them to church with me and Mike and then he brings them back Sunday night at 9. This is the plan. When you add it up, he only has these kids for about eh... 4 days a month, if that. He also is supposed to have them on Wed and Thurs nights from 4-9, but he never shows up on time and then he brings them home at like 7. Sweet. All in all...he has the 4 kids for about 100 hours per month. People. THERE ARE 720 hours in a month. K, so I get them for 620 hours per month (if he takes the kids on the days he's supposed to) and he's supposed to pay the minimum the state of Nevada requires. Right?

K, so lets start here. Last weekend, the kids go to a family wedding my family is having and afterwards, we call to make sure he's home (its like 9:30pm) to bring them over. He says to keep them at home, he doesn't want them tonight. K, heart break for the kids number 1.

So he picks them up on Saturday morning and has them all night, k, so far so good. He brings them home for church, all nasty and unfed of course, so I shower them all, get them all pretty and take them back over there around 3. Well, about 6 o'clock, he calls and my husband answers. First of all, my ex. He's all of about 5'6", but he's supposedly really attractive, so he gets away with it without people noticing he's a midget. Anyway, Joe (the ex) is scared of my new husband (Mike) who is about 6'1"-6'2" and big and kinda scary looking. So anyway......Joe calls, Mike answers and Joe's ready to just rail me out about the kids but he stutters and says

"Um, are you guys home?"

No you stupid ass, we're not home. We just pay impersonators to answer our HOME PHONE that YOU JUST DIALED for shits and giggles.

Mike says "yes" and Joe says "ok, I'm bringing the kids home."

Alllllright, so you've had your fill of them for 3 hours on your weekend? Sweet.

Anyway, the kids walk in, they're all upset saying that their stepmom threatened to throw rocks at their heads and smack them. K, honestly people, I WANTED Joe to get remarried, he wasn't leaving Mike and I alone til he found Heidi but dear heaven above...we all thought she was normal.

Just for as advice for you all:

If you marry someone on your 3rd're straight up nuts.

Ok, so they got married on the third time they SAW eachother. She lived in Idaho, he's here in Vegas. They planned a big fat wedding in 1 week with all of their family and crap and did it. Um. They'd seen eachother 2 times before that and talked on the phone for 2 weeks before the big day. PEOPLE, THEY GOT MARRIED ONLY 14 DAYS AFTER THEY MET.

So she takes her 2 little kids out of the state illegally to move to Vegas to live with sad ol' Joe in his stank apartment and they proceed to live happily ever after. Praise Allah.

Well, she's just as psycho as the previous decision making would have you believe. She hates my kids and has NO problem telling them that. She's left Joe already and um, they've only been married for 9 mos. At least she came back, poor man. Match made in heaven.

Ok so I am venting and he's already 2 and a half months in arrears (after only 10 mos of our being divorced) and home daddy is going to jail if he doesn't catch up by July. PLUS pay back support. This isn't my doing...this is the state of Nevada.

Argh. Remember when I sold his boat for cheap? Those were the good ol' days.