Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Life, As It Were

Ok, hello! Welcome back to Whine and Cry, Int. where whining, and crying are ALWAYS welcome.

K, update on things that are making me want to KILL myself and when I say "kill" I mean "put an end to rhythmic breathing that so naturally comes to healthy human people". In a moment of hilarious and dark humor (perhaps only to myself) we'll be using bullets to list these things since its most appropriate that I use said "bullets" to do so. Let us proceed:

  • I am out of $$ and its the beginning of school for my children tomorrow. The ex husband has fallen about 4.5 months behind in the 12 months that we've been divorced. He pays nearly nothing towards the children's upbringing forcing me to look for ways to literally slaughter him in the most painful of manners.
  • I just looked up info on getting a loan from the company so lovingly advertized on television by everyone's favorite african american thyroidally challenged ex child star, Gary Coleman. Cash is so easily come by when one Googles "cash money in my bank right now"
  • My boobs hurt. New baby, jaws of a tiger shark. Nuff said?
  • My landlord is coming to inspect the house Thursday morning. First off, my house is a mess. I have f'ing post partum depression like none ever experienced before, 5463 children and not a whole lotta help in any aspect from anyone at this point. I'm also out of any kind of controlled substances that are legal from a religious standpoint so I'm out of luck. I want to FREAKING KILL PEOPLE!
  • I wish I had the balls of Marie Osmond when she did what I am dreaming every second of the day of doing. I want to get in my damn car and drive up the coast of California. First though, I need that damn loan from Cashcall.com so I can afford the gas, you know. Mama can't just up and have a nervous breakdown anymore without first making sure her finances are in order.
Anyone know of a samurai sword shop in Las Vegas? One that has swords sharp enough to pierce a breastplate when someone falls "accidentally" on it? I kinda want to go out like O Ren.


Jasper Johns said...

I would so help you feel better if I could. Your ex hub sounds like a Cork Soaker. I will smash his chest for you if ya want. Then I will play his corpse like an accordion and tap dance through his blood puddle.

shark like a fox said...

mmk so 1.) sue his ass. dont let him intimidate you, just sue his damn ass for the child support he owes, not you, but that he OWES HIS OWN CHILDREN for gods sake. the man is a freak who is screwing his own children in some pathetic attempt to hurt his ex-wife. he should be caned. 2.)get on the plane and bring that baby up here to see me, because we will party your postpartum blues away. i promise. seriously. 3.) bullets! i laughed. 4.) hire a maid. there's no shame in it. i'd do it in a heartbeat. $50 and your house is cleaned, voila! screw the light bill. 5.) i totally know what you mean about tiger shark jaws. 6.) i love you

Jasper Johns said...


jeremy said...

Lucy Liu is hot.

Holy Schmidt said...

I just found out that our child support department has a "friend of the court". I pay $75, they take his ass to court to collect.

If you do anything stupid, God won't give you LSD in heaven.

Jason said...

You should totally drive up the California coast, just as long as you're not affraid of heights. There are stretches of Route 1 that scares the bejesus out of my wife. There's no guard rail while it's just winding its way around cliffs. It's absolutely gorgeous.

When you get to San Francisco, you can come hang with us.

As for the ex, the courts do not look kindly on deadbeat dads and they will take that money straight out of his paycheck. You just have to find out how to make that happen.

Nightmare said...

Ok about the boobs thing I know this is going to sound crazy, but to avoid the pain of weaning put cabbage leafs in your bra. There is something about the cabbage that relievs the swelling and pain of the built up milk.

Yeah don't ask me how I know that.