Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Children = Parasitic Flesh Eaters

My children, they eat everything I ask them not to. My youngest, Casey...he decided to eat my new Cottage Cheese Doubles this morning when I specifically expressed to him personally on Saturday that he gets Pringles/M&M's/grapes/apples etc. whenever he asks for them politely, but that I, his Mother, am only snacking on things like cottage cheese, fresh basil, hot house tomatoes and pineapple. (Thats all my baby allows of me at this point, bless her tiny active little self)

He looked up at me with his ginormous blue eyes and proceeded to flop (in slow motion/matrix style) onto my feet whilst weeping in inaudible gurgling noises of terror that when translated by my super kid ears said:

"I need cottage cheese. Need it! I can't sleep at night because of my need for more cottage cheese! I hate Pringles/M&M's/grapes/apples etc. and your cruelty will not be tolerated, Mother. Listen to me when I say it! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS INSOLENCE!"

I pulled a rootbeer popcicle out of the freezer, on a whim, and what to my wondering eyes did appear? A very happy child who suddenly forgot all about the tragedy that is his deprived life. Poor child, he'll starve...I just know it. One cannot live on 7 meals alone!

..........trés sigh.

By the way, my ex husband came in today to my office to tell me that he's called my oldest family friends (of my parents and I) to tell them I'm a slut. Isn't he darling?


Laurie said...

Your ex is a giant douche. Your kids sound just like my son. But he is 17 and eats EVERYTHING! When are you due?

Kim said...

Wow...you ex sounds like a peach! A peach that has been left on a counter to rot for a very long time...What an @ss...and your Son? He could be MY son! LOL! Boys will eat you out of house and home!

Holy Schmidt said...

Your ex is a fag.

You such a slut for having sex with your husband and THEN conceiving a baby. How dare you.

Did you tell him he a bigger slut for being a butt pirate?

I love you!

Alli said...

Laurie darlin - He IS a douche! I hate him. I am due in July! Yay!

Kim - Joe the @sshole ex...is miserable. Thats the sad part. And he blames me because he married this new girl so fast. He says its my fault that I made him run to another woman so fast. And yes, boys...eat way too much.

Melli - I love you too! I loved all the pictures of you and miss Nessa from her trip! Yes, I'm a slut for having a baby with my new husband...I know I know. Sue me.