I'm Big.

See?

Reasons Why I'm So Totally The Best Pregnant Lady Over 30 In History

Reasons why having a baby after 30 is so dramatically different than it was when I was a young pup:

• With my other babies, I sat around and ate all day long because I hated my husband who called me Jaba The Hut because he was such a precious prince of a man
• With this baby, I'm the breadwinner and I like it. I have a fab job and my own office that's on the 3rd floor of a huge office building and I take the stairs and then I get so busy during the day that I only eat fruit that does not require me to leave my computer screen/desk/office so that I may love every second as a workaholic...which I do. weird.
• I lost 20 lbs before the baby and now thanks to stairs, morning sickness, busy schedules and flying around the west coast for business, I've lost another 13 lbs. Life is good.
• While being so darn cute as said pregnant lady, I've retained my Swedish round face and big fat blue eyes and my hair is crazily blonde again (naturally! how the hell did that happen? Hormones?) This all adds up to the supposed "glow" my friends think they need to squeal in my face about when they see me.
• This baby gets to be spoiled. My ex husband was insistant that we conceive and give birth to all of my other children very quickly so that all of my older kids are 2 years apart. 4 of them. Nobody got spoiled...I was totally broke...diapers cost a fortune every month for 2+ kids at a time.
• This baby has already had her picture taken 6 times. I'm 14 weeks. I've had 6 ultrasounds. I'm just psychotic like that...I like to see her! So sue me!
• Brad Pitt and Angelina are having babies at the same time as me. Mine will be so much cuter. Uhhh hello, I am a short little swedish girl, he's a big ol' Blasian (black and korean/japanese) so ok um... think about it. Nature's got a new canvas and every kind of material one could ever need to make the most gorgeous baby ever. I'm not selling her, so don't ask anymore....KRISTEN!

Ok, I'll think of more. Oh and later, when I'm moody because I'm tired, I'll probably make an entry similar to this only pointing out the horrible parts of pregnancy because thats what freakin pregnant women get to do. We get to be moody, so bite me. Thats right.

Love you!

Children = Parasitic Flesh Eaters

My children, they eat everything I ask them not to. My youngest, Casey...he decided to eat my new Cottage Cheese Doubles this morning when I specifically expressed to him personally on Saturday that he gets Pringles/M&M's/grapes/apples etc. whenever he asks for them politely, but that I, his Mother, am only snacking on things like cottage cheese, fresh basil, hot house tomatoes and pineapple. (Thats all my baby allows of me at this point, bless her tiny active little self)

He looked up at me with his ginormous blue eyes and proceeded to flop (in slow motion/matrix style) onto my feet whilst weeping in inaudible gurgling noises of terror that when translated by my super kid ears said:

"I need cottage cheese. Need it! I can't sleep at night because of my need for more cottage cheese! I hate Pringles/M&M's/grapes/apples etc. and your cruelty will not be tolerated, Mother. Listen to me when I say it! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS INSOLENCE!"

I pulled a rootbeer popcicle out of the freezer, on a whim, and what to my wondering eyes did appear? A very happy child who suddenly forgot all about the tragedy that is his deprived life. Poor child, he'll starve...I just know it. One cannot live on 7 meals alone!

..........trés sigh.

By the way, my ex husband came in today to my office to tell me that he's called my oldest family friends (of my parents and I) to tell them I'm a slut. Isn't he darling?

Do You See 2 Lines Too???

Finding out I was going to have a baby this time was a whole lot different than it was with the other kids. The other times, I'd think

"Ohmygosh, another one? I still have 1 (or two or three) in diapers! Lord, give me strength"

but with this one it was more like:

"Hey, does this say two lines? Are there two lines? One? Wait, its faint...oh hold on...ok look, there's another line but ok, so tell me if you see it. You do? Ok me too! NONO, lets look at the insert for the test...ok it says the second line may be lighter. Does that look 'lighter' to you or is it totally just faint? I'm confused..."

Of course, Michael is patient and takes great pleasure in watching me go from calm to insane in 5.7 seconds. He just waited me out, looked at it and said very calmly "looks like 2 'ta me."

*sigh*

If only I could borrow an ounce of his sanity. Sweet boy... Anyway, I'm now officially 11 weeks and 3 days, according to 2 ultrasounds. If she's a girl, her name's Lily, if its a boy...his name is still in the air. Mike's pulling for something like Machiavelli and I'm stuck on Oliver or Jake, oh and my favorite... Spencer. We'll see...

Ok, I'm leaving work. I'm lightheaded and tired and I need a strawberry Whole Fruit Bar. Post haste!

that is all