Deeer deeeeer dee dee Deeeer deeer deeeeerrrr!!

So I bought the damn Guitar Hero. I don't have 2 yet, but I borrowed my sister's last night. I'm telling you this because I trust you, internets. E'en tho I'm a 33 year old mother of 326, I am ashamed/proud as hell to admit that Hi, I'm Alli, and I'm addicted to a video game.

See, as a wee child, I was forced, errrr....taught to play the violin/viola/cello/bass and the angsty-rebellious side of me always wanted to master the guitar. One time...later...I picked it up. It was love/sex at first sight. So yeah. I love the guitar. I also LOVE the chow mein I made last night omg it was soooo good, but I digress.

So when I heard of the game, what...its fake guitar playing like D.D.R.'ish tomfoolery I scoffed. Not unlike the non-humble do...I'll admit. So last weekend at the Turkey Day festivities, my youngest sister who is 23 and a college student, brought it over to my OTHER sister's house and set it up. I watched everyone else play it on "Easy" and they'd score about an 85% every time. They'd ask me if I wanted a turn and I'd reply in my regular "reply" voice "NAY!" So, when they all went to the store, I picked it up to see how heavy the guitar was.........


........skip to 6 hours later.

*to be read with much gusto and anguish and shouting and fist pumping*

NOBODY HAD EATEN

NOBODY HAD CLOTHES ON

NOBODY COULD ASK ME A QUESTION

NOBODY COULD MOVE

NOBODY COULD TALK OR BREATHE

NOBODY COULD ....LIVE (dammit, LIVE!)

I was absolutely obsessed, still am. So when last night, after the debacle with the asshole ex (who is so going down), my husband said "we need to pay the power bill. Lets go do that and get a slurpee" I said ok because omg I love slurpees, especially of the Coke variety and ONLY from 7-11, but again, I digress...jeez.

So we were out, on our way to pay the power bill (i swear!) and I saw Best Buy. Suddenly the licks of Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand were pulling my hands toward the building omg it was so freakin crazy.

To summarize and give you a moral of the story:

I did not pay the power bill, I spent about $250 on a PS2 and 2 guitars and the first game. I stayed up and have yet to sleep, but I have won the game on Expert and I've only played it 2 days in my life. I am...a guitar hero.

Moral of the story?

When its the bitter winter cold outside, and you have 326 kids and one of them is a 4 month old baby...its absolutely ok to justify buying video games instead of electricity. I say so, and I'm a rockstar.

the end.

Let It Snow! *insert sparkly snowflake*

So today is the day that I depart for lands unknown, far into the hills of the Wasatch, to partake of family goodness.

To start, I may have to fill you in on the "Christensen" side of my family. My mom is a Christensen and she has 2 sisters and 1 brother, who all have many children in turn. About Scandinavian families. We are loud. We like to talk. We like to eat. We like to argue. Let your mind run freely in imagination of what my life is like while I go feed the baby.

K, I'm back.

So anyway, my mom's BFF sister, Susan, just moved from here in Vegas to a place called Alpine, basically SLC/Provo area, if you know Utah. She sold her home here for like a million dollars (seriously) and they built this monster house...to retire in now that their baby just went to college. Uh. Whatever, typical. We love excess in this family. SOOOO, me, Mike and our 235 kids are piling into our Odyssey and making the 6 hour trek to Northern parts.

Reasons I'm excited:

1. my cousins are all hilarious. They're all in their mid to late 20's and snaptastic in the sass department.
2. we grew up .3 miles from eachother so they're like siblings, which makes for tons of good remembering stories and laughing.
3. we eat. lots. of. food.
4. my aunts can cook like NO other.
5. I'm only bringing pop this year because I am staying in a hotel.
6. the hotel we're staying in has 2 rooms, so I can have sex all I want.
7. snow
8. snow
9. snow
10. snow...I love snowboarding. Nuff' said.

Reasons I'm not excited:

1. my uncles pick me up like I'm a doll to hug me. This makes me feel like a kid.
2. in picking me up, my dominion over my children is lessened as they see me henceforth as a child...or...their equal if you will.
3. snow
4. snow
5. snow
6. snow
7. my cousin Jason who is a dork. Nobody likes Jason, his hair is totally weird and his jokes are like this:

"Hey, you guys talkin about music? Well, I listen to *insert shit band*. They rock and your bands suck because yeah. So...look at my ugly hair!!!"

Well, he doesn't say that last part but yeah, you get my drift. He's not one to just swoop in and join a convo, ya dig?

K, so the drive will be late, snowy and cold and dark and crap, but we have a DVD player and tons of music in the car...

so...I'll update if I can, but if ya don't hear from me...

Oh and also! Next week we're going BACK to said yonder to have a birthday party from my grandpa from my Dad's side (also Scandinavian, lucky me. Any wonder why I'm blonde/blue?) who is dead. My grandma is nuts. She thinks the cat "Mr. Whiskers" is my grandfather, so we'll all sing Happy Birthday to a cat.

HAPPY THANKSGIVIN, BUTTHOLES!!!

So About Commenting

Start commenting again, kiddos. Aliens deleted my comments...

Tickle-Me-Potty Elmo

You heard me correctly, kids,

they make 'em. Its a little small version of the Tickle-Me-Elmo, but he has not only a diaper, but a goddamn TOILET!!! I was sauntering down Wal-Mart aisle 35252 and spotted this little red demon sitting on a tiny potty, grinning at me with his little diaper down round about his ankles. I knew as soon as I approached him that I'd need to touch the bowl that his furry little bum was perched on, it was just that tempting people. I'm no perv when it comes to kids on potties, but you tell me you wouldn't wanna see if that toilet was real porcelain!!! DON'T LIE TO ME FOLKS! Alas, to my dismay, it was not porcelain but a cheap plastic. I was thinking that if they'd combined the Tickle-Me variety with the Potty-Training variety, we'd have had a helluva combination with drunken-giggling-pissin Elmo falling all over the place, but the kids might not be learning a good habit, and its all about the kids right?

One thing more, if I were to suggest this toy to anyone, I'd suggest it to men in a last ditch effort in convincing them to just sit. C'mon guys, just sit for heavens sake. Lid stays down, pee stays in the toilet, and you can read everytime you go in the bathroom! Imagine that!

Ok so anyway, one last message since I know my husband doesn't read my blog. Just as I was leaving the toy aisles of Wal-Mart, I noticed a little something I KNOW I've seen before but the glory to behold has been so great that I'm sure I blocked out the knowledge of their existence until this moment. Are you ready for what I got him?

HUGE HULK HANDS



Folks, these things are huge, green and dear lord thou hast blessed us today for making them FOAM!!!!!! You slip them on your hands and punch shit. Did you hear me? YOU CAN TOO BECOME AS THE GREAT HULK! I know its against the rules typically to play with gifts before you give them, but I must tell you...closing the fridge has never been more fun before I learned to punch the door shut. I also enjoyed punching the dryer door shut very much but the most fun I've ever had in my 31 years had to have been when I chased my cats with the huge hulk hands a flailing.

In conclusion, Tickle-Me-Elmo-Potty-Shitty-Pants is weird, but the Huge Hulk Hands stole my heart, and had they been around in 1988, they would have stolen my virginity too...they're just that damn good...

That's What Friends Are For...

Future Alli says:
hey, does this mean "kiss" ?

Future Alli says:
: #

Kristen says:
not in my world it doesnt

Future Alli says:
ok

Kristen says:
in my world it means "gimme pound cake"

Future Alli says:
oh...yeah, that would make sense...

Future Alli says:
or "I eat numbers"

Future Alli says:
or "number mouth"

Kristen says:
or pound mouth

Future Alli says:
or "punch me in the number mouth"

Kristen says:
hehe

Future Alli says:
"pound me in the pound cake hole"

Kristen says:
"i'll pound you in the number mouth"

Future Alli says:
ok, thanks, I was just wondering

Kristen says:
no prob