Overnighters For School? I think I love this school district.

Jonah is on a tallship.

For the last two days. He's 10. I hope they work his lil butt.

56756

working on Martin Luther King Jr. Day is rude, esp. when my husband is half black, which makes my baby one quarter black.

rude!

I should protest like that Rosa Parks lady who got hit by the white bus. Isn't that what happened to her?

Also, today is my grandfather's funeral. What a day.

update in all lowercase for funsies

omgawsh. where do i start? ok so i love the new job, and it makes me want to type in all lowercases because most obviously i type in all caps all day long because that's how i operate. its my modus operandum or operandus or whatever. i like to show the new job people that i'm serious by typing in all caps. got it? k sweet

also! baby has 2 bottom teeth. also he doesn't like drinkin through straws, even though drinkin straws are the drinkin best.

also, i like dressin up for work. i think business suits are hot.

oh and one more thing, send me money. ok bye.

One Down, One Holiday To Go

So Merry Holidays, happy Christmas yada yada. New Years is this weekend, and what shall I do. As a non drinker, I have few options. I can drink the ever delicious sparkling apple cider, or go to a movie, or even play group games with family.

This year, we've chosen to go to a party where there will be casual drinking and laughing and fooding, oh and Guitar Heroing. Lots of it. If you've played the game, you know that even 10 minutes of watching the notes come at you in a scrolling pattern will make your eyes see visions. Try it. When you're done rockin' the sweetest version of Killer Queen with 5 stars on Expert, look over at the wall and watch the pictures hung there start to move upward and circular and all over the wall. I like to call it guitar hero trippin. Its free and totally legal, don't you fret. Ha! Fret! Guitar! Get it?!?!? Ok, so you don't get my joke...trust me its hilarious.

Anyway, so Christmas was fantastic, my mother in law made 22940 eggrolls and tons of shrimp and beef fried rice that I stuffed down my gullet for 2 hours, and then topped it off with some cherry soaked and candied ham. Oh. My. Lord. This tiny asian woman can cook like a giant. So after stuffing myself, we did gifts and I got the most beautiful purple jade and gold pendant for my necklace from said inlaws, which made me happy. There were many many more gifts, but that one was especially awesome.

I talked to the kids, by the way, the other 3 that are in Oregon with the real dad and they had a lot of fun with the ex-in-law's. Joe's sisters were there and they had an impromptu wedding for one of them and they've been playing with their adult cousin and all. It sounds like they're having fun, which makes me really happy. The pool froze over today, and the rain has been nonstop, but its really beautiful there and I am sort of sad I'm not there, although I'd only want to be there if I could bring Mike, and that ain't gonna happen. Sad, since we're all still family. Oh speaking of family...I guess the step mother decided that out of all of the gifts the kids got, mainly a little stereo/cd player that Casey (who is only 7) got...yeah, she said he can't bring it with him home. So...we're moving to So Cal, 3 hours from where they live, and he has to leave his cd player in Las Vegas because she said so. As you can see, she's ALL ABOUT Christmas. It's all about what makes the kids happy this year, or any year for that matter. Its ok, my parents and Mike and I already decided we'll get him another one for his room here so he doesn't have to worry. Typical. I heard the ex was actually trying to get her to let him bring it home, but yeah, she's the boss since she wears the biggest pants in the family, by far. So sad, honestly.


Anyway, I gave Joe and Heidi a big pumpkin chocolate chip loaf for Christmas wrapped in a really beautiful gold metal box. I'm honestly done feeling anything but love for everyone. Anger and hate, anxiety and guilt...those things will kill you. I love them all and that's how its gonna be. If she wants to hate me, she can hate me to my smiling face. Over. So let me live vicariously through all of your drunken New Years stories, be sure to flash your boobs/man boobs for me.

Peace, nugga.

Its A Fergie Ferg Christmas!

Oh how the holidays drain you. To fill you in on a few things:

We're moving to the So Cal area. We're really excited about it, I'm a sunshine girl, Mike's from there, the kids are beyond excited to be by the beach and my brother and his family and of course...Disneyland. Oh yes, Disneyland. We promised them if they got us all moved, helped us pack and were extra good, they'd get annual pass renewals so we could hit up the park ever weekend if we really wanted to.

Because of this choice to move, I've been like a crazy person driving down there every other day interviewing for jobs. Its really fun, my mom's been helping me daily which is crazy since she hates babysitting, but they think this is the best thing for everyone, so they're all over it. Its really been the best thing for everyone already. I have to admit, I hate moving but this is the first move I've made in the last 15 years that I've been so excited about it keeps me up at night thinking about the possiblilties.

My writing will continue down there since my agent has an office in LA. This is another thing that makes me jump for the baby jesus. I love writing, but have totally neglected it with the new baby, the new husband and the new life. Now that I'm in a really awesome place in my life, I'm ready to move forward. It seems like its been one thing after another, and we're so ready as a family to just be together and stable. So we go!

So the house search, that's a fun one. It seems like all of the houses down in the OC and the Inland Empire are either ready for Ty Pennington to come in and bust 'em up or they're $5600 per month and more suited as somebody's pied-a-terre. Eh, we'll find something...whatcha think we're gonna be doing all this weekend? Nope! Not celebrating Christmas, we'll be out house hunting with no money in our hands! I'm going to wear something like this hoping that my fabulous gams get us a deal:



















I kid. I'm going naked.

In other news, court went well. We ended up working out the details before court in a room off to the side, my attorney and myself and his attorney and himself. It ended up being that my attorney showed him what was legal, what was really admissable in court and when all was said and done, he has to pay $9100 in arrears and fees plus pay his child support on time from now on via garnishment. There are a few details I'm leaving out about $$ but thats just because I know all you bitches are greedy, I don't want no scrubs! Also, he signed over permission for Mike and I to move our family to So Cal. This was my only real worry, I really think the space will do good for everyone. This way when the kids spend summers or whatever with Joe, it will be like a vacation, not a mid-week disruption for all involved. It should be really good for all involved. Oh and about all the "your going down Ha Ha Ha" stuff, um...he had PAGES of highlighted copies of my blog there, with all these green stickies with notes taken by his wife on them. Let me tell you, my attorney saw them and laughed so hard. He was like "um, so your blog makes it so he doesn't have to pay child support? Can I have copies of this?" and he took copies for his Best of 2006 file. Seriously. So good, oh my hell, we laughed so hard. Even Joe didn't bring them out, I'm sure he just had them in his file to make her feel better. Seriously, he even hid them in the back of his pile. Smart man. (whoa, did I just say that?...oh well, I'm byist)

So things with he and I are ok...for the time being. As long as he's not glued to that lunatic he's rational and we have awesome communication. I don't want that man, that's why I divorced him. My husband locks the cashbox/stops the cat box, so I ain't hatin'.

Oh so what are ya'll doin for the holidays?

Oh I Have Good Stories To Tell You

I've been busy, we're moving to So Cal in like 3 weeks. WTF. This really just jumped out of nowhere, I totally had been interviewing for jobs and getting jobs here in Vegas, but yeah. We're outta this joint. Its really a decision made for our family. My parents think its the best thing ever.

Also, I got a giant chrome iZ. I'm going to record him doing crap tonight. He plays my Sufjan and its sweet because he belches in the middle of it. His name is Honna. I spell it like that because that's what makes it look more masculine. That's just what we call him because the first iZ we ever got, the first song he ever sang was about Hanna, orHänni or Honna. Sweetcakes!


bbl, I have much to tell you about court.

iZ! I couldn't leave my new babies out of the snow fun! My favorite new collectibles. Send me some please

iZ! I couldn't leave my new babies out of the snow fun! My favorite new collectibles. Send me some please, originally uploaded by Miss Alli.

These are iZ. I have tiny ones and big ones (coming from eBay yay!). I can't keep the big ones, they're for christmas gifts, but let me express...I am getting myself a fleet.

I go BACK to court with the ex tomorrow, and then I have job interviews on Thursday. Can I give a big high five right now to WaMu for PAYING me to go on job interviews? Yeah, so go open accounts, or...get a home loan through them, rather.

K, so when I enabled flickr-blogging, it gave me the below latin to go with this picture, so I left it. Anybody speak latin? I totally speak pig latin, but not real latin. K interpret. Oh and if you wanna see some sweet iZ demos, go HERE and look at all the vids that say "iZ" next to them that I posted and others posted. Heck, sign up, and you can make money just by posting your favorite youtube vids there, totally for free. Whoa, did I just advertize? Its Christmas time, I probably should give freely to all, yeah, its freakin sweet, go see!!!

And now, for the free latin Tuesday surprise of the day:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Pellentesque ultricies augue sit amet pede. Pellentesque pretium varius tellus. Curabitur et justo vel pede rhoncus ultrices. Integer pulvinar molestie diam. Proin tincidunt. Phasellus placerat est a urna. Nullam tincidunt lectus eget eros. Donec ultricies congue dolor.

Not 500 More, Not 700 More, but 600 More Lights Dangit!!!

So me, Mike and the kids were at my mom and dad's house yesterday and Mike and dad, of course, are yappin about football and upcoming games they're going to, and I'm with mom, looking at old ornaments and I realized something. I'm so old. First of all, I was born in the 70's. WHA? Its like almost the second decade in the 21's century. Some of those ornaments were dusty and ancient and yeah, gross.

So dad and Mike go out and get their new tree. See, they put up two trees every year, one in the formal living room for my dad. He's VERY particular to how it looks, so he does it himself. Its only got white lights (that's how I like mine too) and only has gold or white ornaments. Its got ribbon in it and white pointsettias and to be honest, I'm not really a "gold" tree girl but it is stunning. Dad has immaculate taste, and its really beautiful.

My mom gets the tree that goes in the family room. Hers is colorful and huge and she puts all of the better looking old ornaments on it, colored lights and tiny apples and all that jazz. But this year they gave us that tree, the big fat one that goes in the family room. So she and my dad went to buy another one and they came home with a monster. ITS HUUUGE! Seriously, its probably 12 feet high. They put it up, and start putting lights on it and finally realize that it came with lights but my dad wanted MORE lights, so they put more on it.

"This tree needs at LEAST 600 more lights!" he kept saying. "Yes, 600 more!"

Why 600? I have no idea. Whatever, he's pretty eccentric, but we love him. He's really happy these days and if 600 lights make him happier, then hell, I'll be the first one to hand 'em over.

When all was said and done, there was our tree, FINALLY finished last night, mom and dad's two trees and I remembered why it's so nice to have a fake tree. Poseable branches. All 3 of our trees are gorgeous. I'll post pics.

Oh, so this dude I know, he and his wife put CANDLES on the branches of their tree. A real tree. With real fire. Hello? Anybody else do that? What are your Christmas tree traditions?

P.S.

Oh and to all of you who are in the "friends and family" group on flickr, I put up tons more pics of Casey and Jonah helping me decorate the tree. Oh and there are about 100 of Kenzie playing guitar. You know Tiff, she hides from the camera, but I sneaked in a few for this week. She's more interested in this dude from our church right now, so she's not really into guitar as much as she was last week.

Hi Eediotechs! (not you guys, the jerks who read my blog and then tell my kids big fat lies to make their sad existence look better, which is sad)

So, I'm sitting here last night thinking about a few things. First off, I went to get my kids from their dad's house right? They get in the car and Mackenzie one of my girls goes on to tell me how my ex husband and his wife and family read my blog. Now, I fear nobody, nothing. I have nothing to hide, obviously. I totally tell you all my whole life story NOT to mention my entire thought process that goes along with that. So whatever. Hi Heidi, Joe etc! Keep telling my kids that I was sleeping around with guys my whole marriage to you, and I'll post pictures of you on here! They're not pretty either! While you're at it, why don't you spend some time writing out some child support payments instead of reading blogs! That might do ya some good, since we're going back to court in 5 days! Good luck with that, while you're at it. Does your family know you're almost to the federal limit for a felony in the state of Nevada Joe? Seriously, you're about $1500 from being a felon for not paying. Sweet. Oh, and what exactly are you fighting me for in court? I'm only asking for less than the state ordered child support. You hired a lawyer, and payed him more than what we are disputing. One more smart move from the osephsonJay camp.

Another thing, I didn't get to go see Beck. I had meetings anyway til 10 last night, so I probably couldn't have made it but get this. Mike said the reason he didn't want to go to see him was because "Beck is forever tainted for me". SDJF)(U)@WHF){*SY ED)+_(W$*)(*WEOIRUOsidSD!!! Come on, babe. Lets move on, together. And while we're at it, lets have one of those "nights" tonight like we used to before this lil baby boy came into our house. K? K. I'm thinking we start it out with Borat and some Memphis BBQ. Romantic!

So anyway kids, I'm trying to figure out if I want to force my kids to watch all of those old Christmas movies, you know the ones. The claymation ones? How do you feel about forcing kids to watch that stuff? They're all spoiled and CG'd out these days. If it don't look real, they don't wanna watch it. Except for Tom & Jerry, but who can resist Tom & Jerry?

Youze Or Ya'll Or You Guys

I'm having a perfectly rational and very comfortable email party with 3 friends from across the US. They're in the "new" states, which really are the "old" states...by New I mean New Jersey/York and such but now that I think of it, they're really some of the "first" states so WTF? We should rename them. But I digress.

Do you sign sympathy cards for people you don't know at work? If so why, and if not, why not?

The girlfriend in said email party, we'll let her remain nameless at this point, she sucessfully declined signing a sympathy card for someone she didn't know today. Her email to us was full of concern that said person the card was for may or may not be offended although she was fairly certain they'd never met.

I have often thought of doing the same thing, but here's the crux of my concerns. Remember, this is because my personality is so uber-empathic and so overtly compassionate, I can't tell a homeless person "no" without having several sleepless nights after the event:

I would sign it just because I would have thoughts racing through my head that said "what if they had met me at some point and didn't know that I didn't remember them? What if they actually liked me and thought we had a semi-aquaintensical (I think I just invented that word, I totally love it, by the way) relationship?" I tend to run on the "what's it going to hurt? Will it kill me?" side of the street.

This is also why I have yet to turn down a homeless animal in all of my years. I have issues.

So, whats your say on it.

Oh and one more thing...do you say "youze" or "you guys" or "ya'll"?

over.

Off To SD For The Weekend Yaya

So I'm going to play on the beach and frolick in the sun this weekend, eat dinner in Old Town and see the festivities at Balboa Park. Then, its off to Coronado for playtime on Sunday and some seals in La Jolla. I'll take tons of pics, and speaking of "pics"...I always thought Brad Pitt and Benecio Del Toro looked like brothers and everyone thought I was nuts, but look!:



Am I right? I'm right aren't I. Damn I am good.


K, see ya'll next week. One Love!

Deeer deeeeer dee dee Deeeer deeer deeeeerrrr!!

So I bought the damn Guitar Hero. I don't have 2 yet, but I borrowed my sister's last night. I'm telling you this because I trust you, internets. E'en tho I'm a 33 year old mother of 326, I am ashamed/proud as hell to admit that Hi, I'm Alli, and I'm addicted to a video game.

See, as a wee child, I was forced, errrr....taught to play the violin/viola/cello/bass and the angsty-rebellious side of me always wanted to master the guitar. One time...later...I picked it up. It was love/sex at first sight. So yeah. I love the guitar. I also LOVE the chow mein I made last night omg it was soooo good, but I digress.

So when I heard of the game, what...its fake guitar playing like D.D.R.'ish tomfoolery I scoffed. Not unlike the non-humble do...I'll admit. So last weekend at the Turkey Day festivities, my youngest sister who is 23 and a college student, brought it over to my OTHER sister's house and set it up. I watched everyone else play it on "Easy" and they'd score about an 85% every time. They'd ask me if I wanted a turn and I'd reply in my regular "reply" voice "NAY!" So, when they all went to the store, I picked it up to see how heavy the guitar was.........


........skip to 6 hours later.

*to be read with much gusto and anguish and shouting and fist pumping*

NOBODY HAD EATEN

NOBODY HAD CLOTHES ON

NOBODY COULD ASK ME A QUESTION

NOBODY COULD MOVE

NOBODY COULD TALK OR BREATHE

NOBODY COULD ....LIVE (dammit, LIVE!)

I was absolutely obsessed, still am. So when last night, after the debacle with the asshole ex (who is so going down), my husband said "we need to pay the power bill. Lets go do that and get a slurpee" I said ok because omg I love slurpees, especially of the Coke variety and ONLY from 7-11, but again, I digress...jeez.

So we were out, on our way to pay the power bill (i swear!) and I saw Best Buy. Suddenly the licks of Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand were pulling my hands toward the building omg it was so freakin crazy.

To summarize and give you a moral of the story:

I did not pay the power bill, I spent about $250 on a PS2 and 2 guitars and the first game. I stayed up and have yet to sleep, but I have won the game on Expert and I've only played it 2 days in my life. I am...a guitar hero.

Moral of the story?

When its the bitter winter cold outside, and you have 326 kids and one of them is a 4 month old baby...its absolutely ok to justify buying video games instead of electricity. I say so, and I'm a rockstar.

the end.

Let It Snow! *insert sparkly snowflake*

So today is the day that I depart for lands unknown, far into the hills of the Wasatch, to partake of family goodness.

To start, I may have to fill you in on the "Christensen" side of my family. My mom is a Christensen and she has 2 sisters and 1 brother, who all have many children in turn. About Scandinavian families. We are loud. We like to talk. We like to eat. We like to argue. Let your mind run freely in imagination of what my life is like while I go feed the baby.

K, I'm back.

So anyway, my mom's BFF sister, Susan, just moved from here in Vegas to a place called Alpine, basically SLC/Provo area, if you know Utah. She sold her home here for like a million dollars (seriously) and they built this monster house...to retire in now that their baby just went to college. Uh. Whatever, typical. We love excess in this family. SOOOO, me, Mike and our 235 kids are piling into our Odyssey and making the 6 hour trek to Northern parts.

Reasons I'm excited:

1. my cousins are all hilarious. They're all in their mid to late 20's and snaptastic in the sass department.
2. we grew up .3 miles from eachother so they're like siblings, which makes for tons of good remembering stories and laughing.
3. we eat. lots. of. food.
4. my aunts can cook like NO other.
5. I'm only bringing pop this year because I am staying in a hotel.
6. the hotel we're staying in has 2 rooms, so I can have sex all I want.
7. snow
8. snow
9. snow
10. snow...I love snowboarding. Nuff' said.

Reasons I'm not excited:

1. my uncles pick me up like I'm a doll to hug me. This makes me feel like a kid.
2. in picking me up, my dominion over my children is lessened as they see me henceforth as a child...or...their equal if you will.
3. snow
4. snow
5. snow
6. snow
7. my cousin Jason who is a dork. Nobody likes Jason, his hair is totally weird and his jokes are like this:

"Hey, you guys talkin about music? Well, I listen to *insert shit band*. They rock and your bands suck because yeah. So...look at my ugly hair!!!"

Well, he doesn't say that last part but yeah, you get my drift. He's not one to just swoop in and join a convo, ya dig?

K, so the drive will be late, snowy and cold and dark and crap, but we have a DVD player and tons of music in the car...

so...I'll update if I can, but if ya don't hear from me...

Oh and also! Next week we're going BACK to said yonder to have a birthday party from my grandpa from my Dad's side (also Scandinavian, lucky me. Any wonder why I'm blonde/blue?) who is dead. My grandma is nuts. She thinks the cat "Mr. Whiskers" is my grandfather, so we'll all sing Happy Birthday to a cat.

HAPPY THANKSGIVIN, BUTTHOLES!!!

So About Commenting

Start commenting again, kiddos. Aliens deleted my comments...

Tickle-Me-Potty Elmo

You heard me correctly, kids,

they make 'em. Its a little small version of the Tickle-Me-Elmo, but he has not only a diaper, but a goddamn TOILET!!! I was sauntering down Wal-Mart aisle 35252 and spotted this little red demon sitting on a tiny potty, grinning at me with his little diaper down round about his ankles. I knew as soon as I approached him that I'd need to touch the bowl that his furry little bum was perched on, it was just that tempting people. I'm no perv when it comes to kids on potties, but you tell me you wouldn't wanna see if that toilet was real porcelain!!! DON'T LIE TO ME FOLKS! Alas, to my dismay, it was not porcelain but a cheap plastic. I was thinking that if they'd combined the Tickle-Me variety with the Potty-Training variety, we'd have had a helluva combination with drunken-giggling-pissin Elmo falling all over the place, but the kids might not be learning a good habit, and its all about the kids right?

One thing more, if I were to suggest this toy to anyone, I'd suggest it to men in a last ditch effort in convincing them to just sit. C'mon guys, just sit for heavens sake. Lid stays down, pee stays in the toilet, and you can read everytime you go in the bathroom! Imagine that!

Ok so anyway, one last message since I know my husband doesn't read my blog. Just as I was leaving the toy aisles of Wal-Mart, I noticed a little something I KNOW I've seen before but the glory to behold has been so great that I'm sure I blocked out the knowledge of their existence until this moment. Are you ready for what I got him?

HUGE HULK HANDS



Folks, these things are huge, green and dear lord thou hast blessed us today for making them FOAM!!!!!! You slip them on your hands and punch shit. Did you hear me? YOU CAN TOO BECOME AS THE GREAT HULK! I know its against the rules typically to play with gifts before you give them, but I must tell you...closing the fridge has never been more fun before I learned to punch the door shut. I also enjoyed punching the dryer door shut very much but the most fun I've ever had in my 31 years had to have been when I chased my cats with the huge hulk hands a flailing.

In conclusion, Tickle-Me-Elmo-Potty-Shitty-Pants is weird, but the Huge Hulk Hands stole my heart, and had they been around in 1988, they would have stolen my virginity too...they're just that damn good...

That's What Friends Are For...

Future Alli says:
hey, does this mean "kiss" ?

Future Alli says:
: #

Kristen says:
not in my world it doesnt

Future Alli says:
ok

Kristen says:
in my world it means "gimme pound cake"

Future Alli says:
oh...yeah, that would make sense...

Future Alli says:
or "I eat numbers"

Future Alli says:
or "number mouth"

Kristen says:
or pound mouth

Future Alli says:
or "punch me in the number mouth"

Kristen says:
hehe

Future Alli says:
"pound me in the pound cake hole"

Kristen says:
"i'll pound you in the number mouth"

Future Alli says:
ok, thanks, I was just wondering

Kristen says:
no prob

You Think She's An Open Book, But You Don't Know Which Page To Turn To

lost blogs are totally freakin weird, yo

http://nanowrimoalli.blogspot.com/


I totally didn't even know I had this. Check one. Check two.

Ow! My Entire Life!!!

i love the mall...i wish the mall could be my ringtone

Smart Ass

“or tell her to light the string on her tampon and blow her box up because its the only bang she's ever gonna get...just to spite her beauty you know?"
- Alli E. circa 2005

thanks to Kris for the reminder

Her Dad Types Slow, But WHAT A Conversationalist!

Alli says:
your dad is funny

Alli says:
he talks slow

k r i s t e n says:
yeah he types....not good

k r i s t e n says:
haha did you guys chat?

Alli says:
oh yes

Alli says:
well it went like this:

k r i s t e n says:
haha

Alli says:
Dear Ali

Alli says:
Kristen has to go spend some time with Ethan, who just woke up. She will speak with you tomorrow as she will probably be gone for quite a while.

Alli says:
to which I said OK

Alli says:
and he said: Poor guy got shots today, so he's been quite the moper!

Alli says:
and then I said goodnight, and he said "Night"

Alli says:
the end.

k r i s t e n says:
amazing

Alli says:
indeed!

k r i s t e n says:
you guys really bonded

Alli says:
we totally did