Overnighters For School? I think I love this school district.

Jonah is on a tallship.

For the last two days. He's 10. I hope they work his lil butt.

56756

working on Martin Luther King Jr. Day is rude, esp. when my husband is half black, which makes my baby one quarter black.

rude!

I should protest like that Rosa Parks lady who got hit by the white bus. Isn't that what happened to her?

Also, today is my grandfather's funeral. What a day.

update in all lowercase for funsies

omgawsh. where do i start? ok so i love the new job, and it makes me want to type in all lowercases because most obviously i type in all caps all day long because that's how i operate. its my modus operandum or operandus or whatever. i like to show the new job people that i'm serious by typing in all caps. got it? k sweet

also! baby has 2 bottom teeth. also he doesn't like drinkin through straws, even though drinkin straws are the drinkin best.

also, i like dressin up for work. i think business suits are hot.

oh and one more thing, send me money. ok bye.

One Down, One Holiday To Go

So Merry Holidays, happy Christmas yada yada. New Years is this weekend, and what shall I do. As a non drinker, I have few options. I can drink the ever delicious sparkling apple cider, or go to a movie, or even play group games with family.

This year, we've chosen to go to a party where there will be casual drinking and laughing and fooding, oh and Guitar Heroing. Lots of it. If you've played the game, you know that even 10 minutes of watching the notes come at you in a scrolling pattern will make your eyes see visions. Try it. When you're done rockin' the sweetest version of Killer Queen with 5 stars on Expert, look over at the wall and watch the pictures hung there start to move upward and circular and all over the wall. I like to call it guitar hero trippin. Its free and totally legal, don't you fret. Ha! Fret! Guitar! Get it?!?!? Ok, so you don't get my joke...trust me its hilarious.

Anyway, so Christmas was fantastic, my mother in law made 22940 eggrolls and tons of shrimp and beef fried rice that I stuffed down my gullet for 2 hours, and then topped it off with some cherry soaked and candied ham. Oh. My. Lord. This tiny asian woman can cook like a giant. So after stuffing myself, we did gifts and I got the most beautiful purple jade and gold pendant for my necklace from said inlaws, which made me happy. There were many many more gifts, but that one was especially awesome.

I talked to the kids, by the way, the other 3 that are in Oregon with the real dad and they had a lot of fun with the ex-in-law's. Joe's sisters were there and they had an impromptu wedding for one of them and they've been playing with their adult cousin and all. It sounds like they're having fun, which makes me really happy. The pool froze over today, and the rain has been nonstop, but its really beautiful there and I am sort of sad I'm not there, although I'd only want to be there if I could bring Mike, and that ain't gonna happen. Sad, since we're all still family. Oh speaking of family...I guess the step mother decided that out of all of the gifts the kids got, mainly a little stereo/cd player that Casey (who is only 7) got...yeah, she said he can't bring it with him home. So...we're moving to So Cal, 3 hours from where they live, and he has to leave his cd player in Las Vegas because she said so. As you can see, she's ALL ABOUT Christmas. It's all about what makes the kids happy this year, or any year for that matter. Its ok, my parents and Mike and I already decided we'll get him another one for his room here so he doesn't have to worry. Typical. I heard the ex was actually trying to get her to let him bring it home, but yeah, she's the boss since she wears the biggest pants in the family, by far. So sad, honestly.


Anyway, I gave Joe and Heidi a big pumpkin chocolate chip loaf for Christmas wrapped in a really beautiful gold metal box. I'm honestly done feeling anything but love for everyone. Anger and hate, anxiety and guilt...those things will kill you. I love them all and that's how its gonna be. If she wants to hate me, she can hate me to my smiling face. Over. So let me live vicariously through all of your drunken New Years stories, be sure to flash your boobs/man boobs for me.

Peace, nugga.

Its A Fergie Ferg Christmas!

Oh how the holidays drain you. To fill you in on a few things:

We're moving to the So Cal area. We're really excited about it, I'm a sunshine girl, Mike's from there, the kids are beyond excited to be by the beach and my brother and his family and of course...Disneyland. Oh yes, Disneyland. We promised them if they got us all moved, helped us pack and were extra good, they'd get annual pass renewals so we could hit up the park ever weekend if we really wanted to.

Because of this choice to move, I've been like a crazy person driving down there every other day interviewing for jobs. Its really fun, my mom's been helping me daily which is crazy since she hates babysitting, but they think this is the best thing for everyone, so they're all over it. Its really been the best thing for everyone already. I have to admit, I hate moving but this is the first move I've made in the last 15 years that I've been so excited about it keeps me up at night thinking about the possiblilties.

My writing will continue down there since my agent has an office in LA. This is another thing that makes me jump for the baby jesus. I love writing, but have totally neglected it with the new baby, the new husband and the new life. Now that I'm in a really awesome place in my life, I'm ready to move forward. It seems like its been one thing after another, and we're so ready as a family to just be together and stable. So we go!

So the house search, that's a fun one. It seems like all of the houses down in the OC and the Inland Empire are either ready for Ty Pennington to come in and bust 'em up or they're $5600 per month and more suited as somebody's pied-a-terre. Eh, we'll find something...whatcha think we're gonna be doing all this weekend? Nope! Not celebrating Christmas, we'll be out house hunting with no money in our hands! I'm going to wear something like this hoping that my fabulous gams get us a deal:



















I kid. I'm going naked.

In other news, court went well. We ended up working out the details before court in a room off to the side, my attorney and myself and his attorney and himself. It ended up being that my attorney showed him what was legal, what was really admissable in court and when all was said and done, he has to pay $9100 in arrears and fees plus pay his child support on time from now on via garnishment. There are a few details I'm leaving out about $$ but thats just because I know all you bitches are greedy, I don't want no scrubs! Also, he signed over permission for Mike and I to move our family to So Cal. This was my only real worry, I really think the space will do good for everyone. This way when the kids spend summers or whatever with Joe, it will be like a vacation, not a mid-week disruption for all involved. It should be really good for all involved. Oh and about all the "your going down Ha Ha Ha" stuff, um...he had PAGES of highlighted copies of my blog there, with all these green stickies with notes taken by his wife on them. Let me tell you, my attorney saw them and laughed so hard. He was like "um, so your blog makes it so he doesn't have to pay child support? Can I have copies of this?" and he took copies for his Best of 2006 file. Seriously. So good, oh my hell, we laughed so hard. Even Joe didn't bring them out, I'm sure he just had them in his file to make her feel better. Seriously, he even hid them in the back of his pile. Smart man. (whoa, did I just say that?...oh well, I'm byist)

So things with he and I are ok...for the time being. As long as he's not glued to that lunatic he's rational and we have awesome communication. I don't want that man, that's why I divorced him. My husband locks the cashbox/stops the cat box, so I ain't hatin'.

Oh so what are ya'll doin for the holidays?

Oh I Have Good Stories To Tell You

I've been busy, we're moving to So Cal in like 3 weeks. WTF. This really just jumped out of nowhere, I totally had been interviewing for jobs and getting jobs here in Vegas, but yeah. We're outta this joint. Its really a decision made for our family. My parents think its the best thing ever.

Also, I got a giant chrome iZ. I'm going to record him doing crap tonight. He plays my Sufjan and its sweet because he belches in the middle of it. His name is Honna. I spell it like that because that's what makes it look more masculine. That's just what we call him because the first iZ we ever got, the first song he ever sang was about Hanna, orHänni or Honna. Sweetcakes!


bbl, I have much to tell you about court.

iZ! I couldn't leave my new babies out of the snow fun! My favorite new collectibles. Send me some please

iZ! I couldn't leave my new babies out of the snow fun! My favorite new collectibles. Send me some please, originally uploaded by Miss Alli.

These are iZ. I have tiny ones and big ones (coming from eBay yay!). I can't keep the big ones, they're for christmas gifts, but let me express...I am getting myself a fleet.

I go BACK to court with the ex tomorrow, and then I have job interviews on Thursday. Can I give a big high five right now to WaMu for PAYING me to go on job interviews? Yeah, so go open accounts, or...get a home loan through them, rather.

K, so when I enabled flickr-blogging, it gave me the below latin to go with this picture, so I left it. Anybody speak latin? I totally speak pig latin, but not real latin. K interpret. Oh and if you wanna see some sweet iZ demos, go HERE and look at all the vids that say "iZ" next to them that I posted and others posted. Heck, sign up, and you can make money just by posting your favorite youtube vids there, totally for free. Whoa, did I just advertize? Its Christmas time, I probably should give freely to all, yeah, its freakin sweet, go see!!!

And now, for the free latin Tuesday surprise of the day:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Pellentesque ultricies augue sit amet pede. Pellentesque pretium varius tellus. Curabitur et justo vel pede rhoncus ultrices. Integer pulvinar molestie diam. Proin tincidunt. Phasellus placerat est a urna. Nullam tincidunt lectus eget eros. Donec ultricies congue dolor.

Not 500 More, Not 700 More, but 600 More Lights Dangit!!!

So me, Mike and the kids were at my mom and dad's house yesterday and Mike and dad, of course, are yappin about football and upcoming games they're going to, and I'm with mom, looking at old ornaments and I realized something. I'm so old. First of all, I was born in the 70's. WHA? Its like almost the second decade in the 21's century. Some of those ornaments were dusty and ancient and yeah, gross.

So dad and Mike go out and get their new tree. See, they put up two trees every year, one in the formal living room for my dad. He's VERY particular to how it looks, so he does it himself. Its only got white lights (that's how I like mine too) and only has gold or white ornaments. Its got ribbon in it and white pointsettias and to be honest, I'm not really a "gold" tree girl but it is stunning. Dad has immaculate taste, and its really beautiful.

My mom gets the tree that goes in the family room. Hers is colorful and huge and she puts all of the better looking old ornaments on it, colored lights and tiny apples and all that jazz. But this year they gave us that tree, the big fat one that goes in the family room. So she and my dad went to buy another one and they came home with a monster. ITS HUUUGE! Seriously, its probably 12 feet high. They put it up, and start putting lights on it and finally realize that it came with lights but my dad wanted MORE lights, so they put more on it.

"This tree needs at LEAST 600 more lights!" he kept saying. "Yes, 600 more!"

Why 600? I have no idea. Whatever, he's pretty eccentric, but we love him. He's really happy these days and if 600 lights make him happier, then hell, I'll be the first one to hand 'em over.

When all was said and done, there was our tree, FINALLY finished last night, mom and dad's two trees and I remembered why it's so nice to have a fake tree. Poseable branches. All 3 of our trees are gorgeous. I'll post pics.

Oh, so this dude I know, he and his wife put CANDLES on the branches of their tree. A real tree. With real fire. Hello? Anybody else do that? What are your Christmas tree traditions?

P.S.

Oh and to all of you who are in the "friends and family" group on flickr, I put up tons more pics of Casey and Jonah helping me decorate the tree. Oh and there are about 100 of Kenzie playing guitar. You know Tiff, she hides from the camera, but I sneaked in a few for this week. She's more interested in this dude from our church right now, so she's not really into guitar as much as she was last week.

Hi Eediotechs! (not you guys, the jerks who read my blog and then tell my kids big fat lies to make their sad existence look better, which is sad)

So, I'm sitting here last night thinking about a few things. First off, I went to get my kids from their dad's house right? They get in the car and Mackenzie one of my girls goes on to tell me how my ex husband and his wife and family read my blog. Now, I fear nobody, nothing. I have nothing to hide, obviously. I totally tell you all my whole life story NOT to mention my entire thought process that goes along with that. So whatever. Hi Heidi, Joe etc! Keep telling my kids that I was sleeping around with guys my whole marriage to you, and I'll post pictures of you on here! They're not pretty either! While you're at it, why don't you spend some time writing out some child support payments instead of reading blogs! That might do ya some good, since we're going back to court in 5 days! Good luck with that, while you're at it. Does your family know you're almost to the federal limit for a felony in the state of Nevada Joe? Seriously, you're about $1500 from being a felon for not paying. Sweet. Oh, and what exactly are you fighting me for in court? I'm only asking for less than the state ordered child support. You hired a lawyer, and payed him more than what we are disputing. One more smart move from the osephsonJay camp.

Another thing, I didn't get to go see Beck. I had meetings anyway til 10 last night, so I probably couldn't have made it but get this. Mike said the reason he didn't want to go to see him was because "Beck is forever tainted for me". SDJF)(U)@WHF){*SY ED)+_(W$*)(*WEOIRUOsidSD!!! Come on, babe. Lets move on, together. And while we're at it, lets have one of those "nights" tonight like we used to before this lil baby boy came into our house. K? K. I'm thinking we start it out with Borat and some Memphis BBQ. Romantic!

So anyway kids, I'm trying to figure out if I want to force my kids to watch all of those old Christmas movies, you know the ones. The claymation ones? How do you feel about forcing kids to watch that stuff? They're all spoiled and CG'd out these days. If it don't look real, they don't wanna watch it. Except for Tom & Jerry, but who can resist Tom & Jerry?

Youze Or Ya'll Or You Guys

I'm having a perfectly rational and very comfortable email party with 3 friends from across the US. They're in the "new" states, which really are the "old" states...by New I mean New Jersey/York and such but now that I think of it, they're really some of the "first" states so WTF? We should rename them. But I digress.

Do you sign sympathy cards for people you don't know at work? If so why, and if not, why not?

The girlfriend in said email party, we'll let her remain nameless at this point, she sucessfully declined signing a sympathy card for someone she didn't know today. Her email to us was full of concern that said person the card was for may or may not be offended although she was fairly certain they'd never met.

I have often thought of doing the same thing, but here's the crux of my concerns. Remember, this is because my personality is so uber-empathic and so overtly compassionate, I can't tell a homeless person "no" without having several sleepless nights after the event:

I would sign it just because I would have thoughts racing through my head that said "what if they had met me at some point and didn't know that I didn't remember them? What if they actually liked me and thought we had a semi-aquaintensical (I think I just invented that word, I totally love it, by the way) relationship?" I tend to run on the "what's it going to hurt? Will it kill me?" side of the street.

This is also why I have yet to turn down a homeless animal in all of my years. I have issues.

So, whats your say on it.

Oh and one more thing...do you say "youze" or "you guys" or "ya'll"?

over.

Off To SD For The Weekend Yaya

So I'm going to play on the beach and frolick in the sun this weekend, eat dinner in Old Town and see the festivities at Balboa Park. Then, its off to Coronado for playtime on Sunday and some seals in La Jolla. I'll take tons of pics, and speaking of "pics"...I always thought Brad Pitt and Benecio Del Toro looked like brothers and everyone thought I was nuts, but look!:



Am I right? I'm right aren't I. Damn I am good.


K, see ya'll next week. One Love!

Deeer deeeeer dee dee Deeeer deeer deeeeerrrr!!

So I bought the damn Guitar Hero. I don't have 2 yet, but I borrowed my sister's last night. I'm telling you this because I trust you, internets. E'en tho I'm a 33 year old mother of 326, I am ashamed/proud as hell to admit that Hi, I'm Alli, and I'm addicted to a video game.

See, as a wee child, I was forced, errrr....taught to play the violin/viola/cello/bass and the angsty-rebellious side of me always wanted to master the guitar. One time...later...I picked it up. It was love/sex at first sight. So yeah. I love the guitar. I also LOVE the chow mein I made last night omg it was soooo good, but I digress.

So when I heard of the game, what...its fake guitar playing like D.D.R.'ish tomfoolery I scoffed. Not unlike the non-humble do...I'll admit. So last weekend at the Turkey Day festivities, my youngest sister who is 23 and a college student, brought it over to my OTHER sister's house and set it up. I watched everyone else play it on "Easy" and they'd score about an 85% every time. They'd ask me if I wanted a turn and I'd reply in my regular "reply" voice "NAY!" So, when they all went to the store, I picked it up to see how heavy the guitar was.........


........skip to 6 hours later.

*to be read with much gusto and anguish and shouting and fist pumping*

NOBODY HAD EATEN

NOBODY HAD CLOTHES ON

NOBODY COULD ASK ME A QUESTION

NOBODY COULD MOVE

NOBODY COULD TALK OR BREATHE

NOBODY COULD ....LIVE (dammit, LIVE!)

I was absolutely obsessed, still am. So when last night, after the debacle with the asshole ex (who is so going down), my husband said "we need to pay the power bill. Lets go do that and get a slurpee" I said ok because omg I love slurpees, especially of the Coke variety and ONLY from 7-11, but again, I digress...jeez.

So we were out, on our way to pay the power bill (i swear!) and I saw Best Buy. Suddenly the licks of Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand were pulling my hands toward the building omg it was so freakin crazy.

To summarize and give you a moral of the story:

I did not pay the power bill, I spent about $250 on a PS2 and 2 guitars and the first game. I stayed up and have yet to sleep, but I have won the game on Expert and I've only played it 2 days in my life. I am...a guitar hero.

Moral of the story?

When its the bitter winter cold outside, and you have 326 kids and one of them is a 4 month old baby...its absolutely ok to justify buying video games instead of electricity. I say so, and I'm a rockstar.

the end.

Let It Snow! *insert sparkly snowflake*

So today is the day that I depart for lands unknown, far into the hills of the Wasatch, to partake of family goodness.

To start, I may have to fill you in on the "Christensen" side of my family. My mom is a Christensen and she has 2 sisters and 1 brother, who all have many children in turn. About Scandinavian families. We are loud. We like to talk. We like to eat. We like to argue. Let your mind run freely in imagination of what my life is like while I go feed the baby.

K, I'm back.

So anyway, my mom's BFF sister, Susan, just moved from here in Vegas to a place called Alpine, basically SLC/Provo area, if you know Utah. She sold her home here for like a million dollars (seriously) and they built this monster house...to retire in now that their baby just went to college. Uh. Whatever, typical. We love excess in this family. SOOOO, me, Mike and our 235 kids are piling into our Odyssey and making the 6 hour trek to Northern parts.

Reasons I'm excited:

1. my cousins are all hilarious. They're all in their mid to late 20's and snaptastic in the sass department.
2. we grew up .3 miles from eachother so they're like siblings, which makes for tons of good remembering stories and laughing.
3. we eat. lots. of. food.
4. my aunts can cook like NO other.
5. I'm only bringing pop this year because I am staying in a hotel.
6. the hotel we're staying in has 2 rooms, so I can have sex all I want.
7. snow
8. snow
9. snow
10. snow...I love snowboarding. Nuff' said.

Reasons I'm not excited:

1. my uncles pick me up like I'm a doll to hug me. This makes me feel like a kid.
2. in picking me up, my dominion over my children is lessened as they see me henceforth as a child...or...their equal if you will.
3. snow
4. snow
5. snow
6. snow
7. my cousin Jason who is a dork. Nobody likes Jason, his hair is totally weird and his jokes are like this:

"Hey, you guys talkin about music? Well, I listen to *insert shit band*. They rock and your bands suck because yeah. So...look at my ugly hair!!!"

Well, he doesn't say that last part but yeah, you get my drift. He's not one to just swoop in and join a convo, ya dig?

K, so the drive will be late, snowy and cold and dark and crap, but we have a DVD player and tons of music in the car...

so...I'll update if I can, but if ya don't hear from me...

Oh and also! Next week we're going BACK to said yonder to have a birthday party from my grandpa from my Dad's side (also Scandinavian, lucky me. Any wonder why I'm blonde/blue?) who is dead. My grandma is nuts. She thinks the cat "Mr. Whiskers" is my grandfather, so we'll all sing Happy Birthday to a cat.

HAPPY THANKSGIVIN, BUTTHOLES!!!

So About Commenting

Start commenting again, kiddos. Aliens deleted my comments...

Tickle-Me-Potty Elmo

You heard me correctly, kids,

they make 'em. Its a little small version of the Tickle-Me-Elmo, but he has not only a diaper, but a goddamn TOILET!!! I was sauntering down Wal-Mart aisle 35252 and spotted this little red demon sitting on a tiny potty, grinning at me with his little diaper down round about his ankles. I knew as soon as I approached him that I'd need to touch the bowl that his furry little bum was perched on, it was just that tempting people. I'm no perv when it comes to kids on potties, but you tell me you wouldn't wanna see if that toilet was real porcelain!!! DON'T LIE TO ME FOLKS! Alas, to my dismay, it was not porcelain but a cheap plastic. I was thinking that if they'd combined the Tickle-Me variety with the Potty-Training variety, we'd have had a helluva combination with drunken-giggling-pissin Elmo falling all over the place, but the kids might not be learning a good habit, and its all about the kids right?

One thing more, if I were to suggest this toy to anyone, I'd suggest it to men in a last ditch effort in convincing them to just sit. C'mon guys, just sit for heavens sake. Lid stays down, pee stays in the toilet, and you can read everytime you go in the bathroom! Imagine that!

Ok so anyway, one last message since I know my husband doesn't read my blog. Just as I was leaving the toy aisles of Wal-Mart, I noticed a little something I KNOW I've seen before but the glory to behold has been so great that I'm sure I blocked out the knowledge of their existence until this moment. Are you ready for what I got him?

HUGE HULK HANDS



Folks, these things are huge, green and dear lord thou hast blessed us today for making them FOAM!!!!!! You slip them on your hands and punch shit. Did you hear me? YOU CAN TOO BECOME AS THE GREAT HULK! I know its against the rules typically to play with gifts before you give them, but I must tell you...closing the fridge has never been more fun before I learned to punch the door shut. I also enjoyed punching the dryer door shut very much but the most fun I've ever had in my 31 years had to have been when I chased my cats with the huge hulk hands a flailing.

In conclusion, Tickle-Me-Elmo-Potty-Shitty-Pants is weird, but the Huge Hulk Hands stole my heart, and had they been around in 1988, they would have stolen my virginity too...they're just that damn good...

That's What Friends Are For...

Future Alli says:
hey, does this mean "kiss" ?

Future Alli says:
: #

Kristen says:
not in my world it doesnt

Future Alli says:
ok

Kristen says:
in my world it means "gimme pound cake"

Future Alli says:
oh...yeah, that would make sense...

Future Alli says:
or "I eat numbers"

Future Alli says:
or "number mouth"

Kristen says:
or pound mouth

Future Alli says:
or "punch me in the number mouth"

Kristen says:
hehe

Future Alli says:
"pound me in the pound cake hole"

Kristen says:
"i'll pound you in the number mouth"

Future Alli says:
ok, thanks, I was just wondering

Kristen says:
no prob

You Think She's An Open Book, But You Don't Know Which Page To Turn To

lost blogs are totally freakin weird, yo

http://nanowrimoalli.blogspot.com/


I totally didn't even know I had this. Check one. Check two.

Ow! My Entire Life!!!

i love the mall...i wish the mall could be my ringtone

Smart Ass

“or tell her to light the string on her tampon and blow her box up because its the only bang she's ever gonna get...just to spite her beauty you know?"
- Alli E. circa 2005

thanks to Kris for the reminder

Her Dad Types Slow, But WHAT A Conversationalist!

Alli says:
your dad is funny

Alli says:
he talks slow

k r i s t e n says:
yeah he types....not good

k r i s t e n says:
haha did you guys chat?

Alli says:
oh yes

Alli says:
well it went like this:

k r i s t e n says:
haha

Alli says:
Dear Ali

Alli says:
Kristen has to go spend some time with Ethan, who just woke up. She will speak with you tomorrow as she will probably be gone for quite a while.

Alli says:
to which I said OK

Alli says:
and he said: Poor guy got shots today, so he's been quite the moper!

Alli says:
and then I said goodnight, and he said "Night"

Alli says:
the end.

k r i s t e n says:
amazing

Alli says:
indeed!

k r i s t e n says:
you guys really bonded

Alli says:
we totally did

Pauly Shore In A Light Vinegrette

We just went to the House Of Blues for a lunch date with some friends who are getting married. He's from Salt Lake City, she's from Hemet, California which is the armpit of the planet, well almost, right after Baker, Barstow and Victorville. I love the atmosphere there, LOVE. I'd totally decorate a room in my house in all Voodoo lovin and art. Totally. Its so sweet.

Anyway, the baby was charming everyone in there, standing on the table when we'd hold his fingers and stuff, and because of it, we had excellent service. I had catfish nuggests with sweet potato fries and a field greens salad with goat cheese and pecans in a tomato/shallot vinegrette. Hot damn, it rocked my socks.

So yeah, while we were there, we saw that Pauly Shore is coming in "concert".

Huh?

Wtf?

Concert?

K, I'll let you absorb that for a minute:



















done? K good. Now, can you explain it to me? Please?

and then there were 2

a convo circa spring of '05

Sharklikeafox: k I’m going over to Jers

Opiate Alli: right now?

Sharklikeafox: yeah

Opiate Alli: wtf are you crazy?

Sharklikeafox: what?

Opiate Alli: it’s 2am

Sharklikeafox: oh it’s not like that, he’s just a night owl like me

Opiate Alli: hahahhahaa

Opiate Alli: you don’t know anything about boys do you

Sharklikeafox: I guess not

Sharklikeafox: k I’m going

Opiate Alli: have fun with your new boyfriend


________________________________


how profound...no?

Rearranged Our Entire House Tonight

And we spoke no words, but just nodded and smiled at eachother (the hubs and I) as we would pass because we can't, and I mean CAN NOT get enough of M.I.A.

That chick is hot. Mmmm, Sri Lanka via London...oh and her dad is like...a freedom fighter and its sweet.


then, when Arular was over, we were obsessed with the ess oh VEEEEE!!!! (sov aka Lady Sovereign) If you wanna hear what makes her impressive, FIND FIND FIND the song "little bit of shhh", its remixed by Adrock, and y'all know that can't be bad. She's a badass, I dig her mucho graciasosososooo. I'm certain our neighbors hate us. We likes it loud for hours...not just our music. I KEED! No, I don't, ok, yes wait no...I don't.

so good, gosh damn. Its times like these that I remember why Mike and I love eachother so much. Music + us = hell yeah

Chow Yun Fat

is going to be the bad guy in Pirates 3. HELL YEAH BEBEH!

Also, I'm going to be looking for another job here in Vegas so I don't have to move. I'm having panic attacks at the thought of it although I love Seattle. I have yet to tell my boss, so DON'T SAY ANYTHING, BETCH!

Such An Awesome Show

We went to a show last night and saw these guys

They did this dance live. These guys are hilarious, and you all know that if boys are talented and funny, I'm all over it.




This next one is my favorite of theirs, at 2 minutes 32 seconds...I laugh every time. They sang this but alas, no treadmills were to be seen on stage. It's cool. I'm still going to marry them. Oh, and I'm gonna go see them in LA next weekend and San Diego in November. Their live show is just that good.

Love - Mackenzie



K bye.

yay!

no more babies for me.

unless I want them, inwhich that means I'm crazy. I did hear from 2 different palm readers/tarot readers that I'm supposed to have twins. Riiiiiiiight.

me + iud = sanity.

BETCH!!!

For my sweet baby Chairkicker/Jay/Hazel Motes

I loves you very very much, BETCH!

I Can't Get Enough Of:

1. diet Coke
2. Red Vines
3. the Walk The Line soundtrack with Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon singing all of the songs.
4. Excederin
   

I'm gonna die without these things I think. Seriously.

Here's why:

1. diet Coke, my mother drank it, we used to steal it because she'd never let us have it so when we did get our mitts around a can of it, we thought we'd just won the lottery. Hence forth, I am an addict.
2. Ok, um, no reason, I just need to tell you I've NEVER, EVER EVEN ONCE in my life gone to the movies without them. Ever. I go before hand and make sure I buy soft ones. Every time. I'm OCD, sue me. I also just likes what I likes...
3. First, Joaquin Phoenix = so so so hot. Scars and all. Omg. Secondly, his deep voice, all Johnny Cash like. Oh, don't get me wrong, I loves me some Cash, but holy crap...when JP sings deep like that, I melt into a puddle of passionate mess. Whew, I need a shower for real. I love deep voices like no other. Somebody help me. Plus, I think Reese is the cutest actress alive. She's so cute.
4. I get headaches daily. That's all. Oh oh! And it has caffeine as a bonus! yay!

the end.

ps, deep voices + me = panties off.

Also, so you know my state of mind right now...I have all 4. Yep, now would be the time to ask me for money. I'm happy.

About This Picture:

Found HERE

	shark like a fox says: how did you get your kitchen to be all clean at the exact moment you had your camera out? i need to master that trick Posted 24 hours ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: Obviously you can't see the dishes in the sink... Posted 23 hours ago.
	shark like a fox says: my kitchen counters are covered in mail, new dishes i have purchased but not yet washed and put away, paperwork, laundry, not-yet-put-away-groceries, and baby toys. so your kitchen looks pretty darn clean to me. Posted 2 hours ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: first off, I have dishes for you...remember, I had too many before I got remarried last year to a man who had a completely furnished house before moving here...I would have stocked your cabinets totally up. second of all, I guess it does look ok. I'm a bit ocd since my divorce...I guess I figured new life...new start. Posted 43 minutes ago.
	shark like a fox says: yes but i found some gorgeous Macy's dishes at goodwill for 60 cents apiece.... second of all, i guess since you have a husband who actually loves you now, it seems more worth it. Posted 39 minutes ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: this is true...so true. Cleaning up for a bum-head isn't fun. Cleaning up for love when you're never asked too is a pleasure...I learned that one the hard way. Posted 35 minutes ago.
	shark like a fox says: also, i love how your kids paintings are movie posters for The Grudge. Posted 26 minutes ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: Hey, I never said they weren't like me... Funny thing is, I walked over and said "saWEET!" when I saw it. You know I'm one of those moms who doesn't like to stifle artistic expression. Posted 25 minutes ago.
	shark like a fox says: artistic expression stifling only leads to unabomberism. Posted 12 minutes ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: yes, that and self mutilation. Posted a moment ago. Flickr really IS the new blogger.

BFF Talkin'

	Alli Castaspella says: I still can't believe he sits up... Posted 22 hours ago.
	shark like a fox says: he's a go-getter. Posted 2 hours ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: he's too big already. I have a hard time believing my Harper will be this big at Christmas. Gross. Posted 24 minutes ago.
	shark like a fox says: the other day he was standing up to the ottoman, holding on, and he turned around, let go, and tried to walk away. he fell flat on his face.....but the fact that he tried scares me!!!! Posted 22 minutes ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: the days of semi-freedom are over. also, the days of him looking relatively un-abused are also over. Prepare yourself for dirty looks at every store because your baby looks like somebody punched him in the eye sockets and forehead with a tire-iron. Posted 14 minutes ago.
	shark like a fox says: yes, if he continues to take nose-dives into the duplo box, i'm in trouble. Posted 10 minutes ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: wait til he smacks his lip on the coffee table, that's nothin but pain for all of ya. Posted 7 minutes ago.
	shark like a fox says: he's going to be walking at christmas. i KNOW it. oh man.....we'll have to put the christmas tree on the table. Posted 74 seconds ago.
	Alli Castaspella says: Uh yeah. Unless you want him to die to death. Posted 1 second ago.

________________________________________________


Shark like a fox: god if i only had money to burn...and by burn i mean spend

Me: I could get you a job as a teller at WaMu. You'd make between $9-$12. Seriously. Just say the word kid. Wait til I move there, we'll get a house with a basement/split level. You can move in and we'll find a nanny to come in and watch our 3 babies. Yep. I said 3 babies. I think I'm pregnant.

Shark like a fox: 9-12 an hour wouldn't even be 2000 a month take home. :o( That's hard to
live on in Seattle. i made $15 to $20 at the restaurant, but im' neve working there again. that place gets you pregnant! i need to finish my degree! sigh..... i'm a looosah.

i wish to win the lottery. last night i was having crazy fantasies about 55 million dollars. my only problem is that i dont buy lottery tickets. so winning is going to be complicated............sigh. but when i DO win, i'm buying a ginormous house that will hold all of us. you know...10 bedrooms with a maid and a home theater.....that sort of place. your family can totally live off me. i dont mind a bit.

also.....you get pregnant a lot! you're the most fertile lady i know!!! except for me.

Me: $2000 a year when you're living in a house I rent that has a Mother In Law cottage in the back that you rent for whatever you can afford will be a LOT of money. Especially since we'll eat all meals together and share a nanny.

You need to play the lottery. Post haste, I have a feeling about it. Also, I will totally live off of you if you win...I promise. PS, now what? Should I get a test? Mike will off himself, I'm sure of
it.

Shark like a fox: and if i was still getting DSHS, i could get a nanny stipend (and you could
too since you have 82340234 dependents) so our nany wouold only cost us like $90 apiece a month. i have a feelign about it too. but i always talk myself out of it. when we get our mansion, we need a "bamboo room." with a pond in it. yes? get a test. it's better to know sooner.

Me: DAMNIT I wish you were still on welfare. Ok, so that's perhaps the most awesome thing I have ever said. You should blog about it. I miss our blogs about convos. You go get lottery tickets, I'll go get a test. Also, we should have a rap room, only for rap listening. Dre, Snoop, JayZ, Xibit. You know...

Shark like a fox: i AM still on welfare. and so long as i make less than $1975 a month, i shall stay on welfare. i miss our blog convos too. we are so funny!!!!!! omg i think i totally will buy a lottery ticket.....but.....i dont even know how. that sounds crazy? seriously, i wouldn't know how to tell if i had a winning number. or how to buy one. or anything. i'm lottery-stupid. and a dressing room....with lots of costumes and mirrors and make up and those lighted make up tables. for....you know...dressing up.

Me: Hooray for welfare!!! I think I actually qualify for it when Joe isn't paying me, and I bring home about $4000 per month...but I do have 326626172 dependents, you're right. Anyway, Joe got his court papers today, called me and said "can you wait til Friday when I'll give you $1000?"


I said Sweet MAMA JAMMA! HELL YES! Not really, I actually said "I guess. Whatever"

Ok, I admit, I don't know how to play the lottery either. I suck.

Shark like a fox: here....calculate your eligibility.....it will also tell you how much you'd have to pay for daycare. http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/esa/TEC/

ummm Kyle called me and said "if you drive over to see me i'll give you money" but what that actually means is that he'll fill my gas tank. because he spent all his money on booze and cigarettes. sigh. so i called the child support office and apparently they "had the wrong address for him" despite the fact that i gave them the correct addres...the address i have mailed numerous things to....and he has received them....but apparently, they couldn't seem to get paperwork to him for the last 4 months....bullcrap. a friend of mine who works there says that if you dont call everyday and nag, your case will never progress. motherf'er.....

there's got to be like a "how to play the lottery" website or something....

i want my 55 millions!

Me: Kyle is a retard. So is the state of Washington. Nuff said.

Do You Watch Lost?

Well, if you do, you'll know that sometimes its a re-run for absolutely no reason. Or sometimes, they just do re-runs for 29903 weeks in a row and just when you're just about to stop watching, they throw you in a super awesome new one. Well! I've found the cure for the "is it new tonight?" blues...

Go Here to see it. (islostarepeat.com)

Awesome. Nuff said.

Standoff

There's a standoff right now with a student who has a 25 automatic at a high school about 4 miles from my house. Sweet.

I'm moving.

NYC

I just passed out from 7 pm til 9 pm for no apparent reason. I woke to a screaming baby downstairs and this...smell...of something cooking. I know not what it is, just yet.

I have to declare, my son is a screamer lately and I am not tolerating it very well. I am in my room, listening to music and looking at vintage dresses online...HOLY CRAP I'm a teenage girl!!!

K, so my new love is Hot Chip and a many few of the songs on the Raconteurs album...

I have a 'script for a sweet sleeping pill/sedative waiting for me at Walgreens, but I'm too lazy to go get it.

I just had this dream, a few minutes ago, and it went like this...

I was talking to someone online who was also celebrating a holiday (new years) but in a different place. It was many hours ahead there and I was watching. Next thing, I'm singing "Auld Lang Syne" with them and I have a red drink straw, the little ones you get at a drink from the bar, and a cherry stem in my mouth and I'm being spun around. I had the hottest pink dress on and said person was there in the busy street with me in NYC. It was weird. I wonder if this other person had the same dream today. That would be awesome.

K, I gotta go watch all these shows I recorded all week on my DVR while I was crazy.

Let's Play Catch Up!

Ok! So!

2 weeks ago, the husband and I woke up the kids at about 6 am. We'd packed the night before and everyone had a hard time going to sleep. It was just like Christmas Eve except we were going to Disneyland and San Diego for a week. All of us needed this little vacation, the summer had been so rough with all the baby birthing and bed resting.

So we get out on the road and start to drive. Let me draw out the seating chart.
















K, got it? I know you can't read the font, so let me tell you from top to bottom it goes

1. Harper
2. Alli
3. Mike
4. Tiffany
5. Mackenzie
6. Jonah
7. Casey

Yep. There are tons of us. I know. I hear about it every day. So anyway, we set out. Before we're even out of tuesday morning freeway traffic that takes you through Downtown Las Vegas (the only way to California) we had miss Mackenzie (see spot 5/hot pink) who was "touching" mr. Jonah. (next to her in the green)

"She's touching me!"
"No I'm NOT! He poked me!"
"No I DIDN'T! SHE'S LYING!!"

and this continued for about an hour during which I eventually threatened to kill Mackenzie. See, I know she was doing it, I have this nifty invention that she has apparently forgotten comes in every vehicle...a rear view mirror...in which I may view what's in the rear of me ie. her touchy ass.

So finally, I told her that if she didn't knock it off, she wasn't going to Disneyland today. See, here's where I made my mistake:

I am one of those mothers who makes threats that are inconceivable for example:

• I'm going to tear your cheeks out if you don't stop
• Knock it off or you'll get my fist up your nostrils til you die to death
• Do you want me to poke your neck out?
• I'm going to kill you to death and take away your tv for 3 months!

See, I have a quick threat mechanism that is faulty. She knows I won't do any of those things, Mama hates jail, so she continues. So when the no Disneyland threat came out, a silence came over the car and I realized I'd have to follow through on this one. Why? It worked. She shut up...for 2 minutes...which is better than nothing. Even still, she continued so...

When we checked into our lovely suite (more on THAT later) I put our stuff in the room and we all sat down. I told Mike and the other kids to go, it was only about noon, and that I'd stay in the room with Mackenzie and the baby. She thought I was kidding. I was not.

So we sat. And watched Oprah. And ate chips. And drank diet Coke with the $.25 ice from the $.25 ice machine at the glamourous suites we rented.

It was fun. What a first day eh?

Ok, so about the suites. I got this 2 bedroom 2 bathroom suite with fridge and microwave and 2 tv's for get this...$49. Yep. Seriously. It even had a really nice clean pool. No matter that it looked like every "motel" you see in scary movies that has murderers in the next room. It had 2 dead bolts and was across the street from the parks so...I bought it. We stayed in a 2 bedroom suite for 6 days for less than $300. Beat that crap with a stick!

We then did Disneyland for 2 more days for a total of 3 days, and it was glorious. I even nursed a baby in Toon Town! Who's gonna complain when there are 2 of us. My sister-in-law was there too with her 2 boys so I wasn't alone with the nursing. My mom was there as well, so it went really well. We had a blast.

Friday we did San Diego and Coronado. I love it there, I would marry it if I could. Saturday we went to Mike's parent's house. Total adventure, can I tell you? I'm white, my kids are mainly white, Mike's dad is a BLACK BLACK man with a really loud voice. He's from Tennessee so he's really noisy and jokey so you can imagine. His mom made 235626 lbs of food. Meat and eggrolls to die for. We ate til we were sick, and she and her Korean friends talked Korean all day and poked and prodded the baby. He tolerated it quite well and even charmed them with his lil dimples and songs. Good times.

The next morning, we went to breakfast with Mike's college buddies and it was fun. Lunch and dinner in Redlands was awesome with some MORE of our friends. Sounds fun, ok no its boring you but here's where the grand finale comes!

We get home at midnight Sunday night, the kids all have school the next morning right? We pull up to the house and all of the lights are off.

"Honey", I say, "did you turn off the lights before we left?"

"No," he says.

Yep, you guessed it. Our power had kicked off the day we left and all of the food in our fridge and freezer had exploded. EVERYWHERE!!!! EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So we went to bed by candlelight and the next day I died.


Good story!!!

The end.

PS, Happy Birthday husband! You're 29 today, and that's hot. I love you!

Dude

Dr. Phil's producer just called my house. Swear to God. I wrote them a letter about Mackenzie being bullied, they want us to go on the show, but Mackenzie is worried it will make things worse. I have to tell them yes or no by 6pm tonight. Crazy.

New Pics of the baby boy and fam!

and if you look closely, you'll see my new fabulous platinum hair...through the dirty mirror of my master bathroom.

k go.

I Come Bearing Gifts

First, I talked to my brother today all day long on the IM and the phone. He's JTO, also known as Taylor and I miss him. He and his wife Mandy moved to San Diego a month ago with their baby Dylan who is 3 days older than our baby Harper, and their 15 month old son Derek. So cute. Anyway...we are going down there to So Cal in 7 days and a wake up so I told him how me and Mike and the kids had made a paper chain to count down the days til we see them at Disneyland. He was so inspired, he and his wife made a paper chain to count down the days til Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Too bad he's supposed to be studying since he's now in Law School. Ooops. Don't blame me.



ALSO! For your final viewing pleasure, I was totally awake this morning at around 5 am, it was dark and I often challenge myself to make something in Microsoft Paint. I set a 5 minute timer and go for it. May I introduce, my latest piece...

Edward Was Scared Of The Cat So He Hid Behind The Dresser

RIP Steve Irwin

You were totally crazy dude, and your 80's feathered hair and bootie shorts made me giggle but man, the way you handled those damn crocs. RIP my friend, you should have stuck to wranglin' crocodiles...CRIKEY!

I Want Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

Please Please somebody...buy my baby all of these.

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is Music."


-- Aldous Huxley

Shakin' Me Big Bum To...

this (real media file) today. The Wolfpack - Vans or the "Got My Vans On But They Look Like Sneakers" song

I lurves this song. Yeah, yeah, I know, I listen to everything so sue me. Ok, don't sue me, you won't get jack crap, I'm poe! (see post below)

Life, As It Were

Ok, hello! Welcome back to Whine and Cry, Int. where whining, and crying are ALWAYS welcome.

K, update on things that are making me want to KILL myself and when I say "kill" I mean "put an end to rhythmic breathing that so naturally comes to healthy human people". In a moment of hilarious and dark humor (perhaps only to myself) we'll be using bullets to list these things since its most appropriate that I use said "bullets" to do so. Let us proceed:

• I am out of $$ and its the beginning of school for my children tomorrow. The ex husband has fallen about 4.5 months behind in the 12 months that we've been divorced. He pays nearly nothing towards the children's upbringing forcing me to look for ways to literally slaughter him in the most painful of manners.
  
• I just looked up info on getting a loan from the company so lovingly advertized on television by everyone's favorite african american thyroidally challenged ex child star, Gary Coleman. Cash is so easily come by when one Googles "cash money in my bank right now"
• My boobs hurt. New baby, jaws of a tiger shark. Nuff said?
• My landlord is coming to inspect the house Thursday morning. First off, my house is a mess. I have f'ing post partum depression like none ever experienced before, 5463 children and not a whole lotta help in any aspect from anyone at this point. I'm also out of any kind of controlled substances that are legal from a religious standpoint so I'm out of luck. I want to FREAKING KILL PEOPLE!
• I wish I had the balls of Marie Osmond when she did what I am dreaming every second of the day of doing. I want to get in my damn car and drive up the coast of California. First though, I need that damn loan from Cashcall.com so I can afford the gas, you know. Mama can't just up and have a nervous breakdown anymore without first making sure her finances are in order.

Anyone know of a samurai sword shop in Las Vegas? One that has swords sharp enough to pierce a breastplate when someone falls "accidentally" on it? I kinda want to go out like O Ren.

Further Proof That I'm Certifiable, Yo

Um, I posted earlier about Post Partum or something? Yep, I'm totally batshiz crazy, ya'll. I have figured out that depending on the music I'm listening to, my moods swing around like Britney Spears swings around that cute lil fatboy SPF, except I don't drop my moods on the street in NYC, cuz I'm not that cold hearted of a bitch, you know.

Anywhoo, yep, listening to Sufjan and decided that I'm coo... no worries, but yeah, um. K, I'm nuts. I also have to tell you that Caramel Apple Empanadas from the Tahtow Bewl (taco bell, for those of you who do NOT currently reside in my psyche.) Oh and one more thing. The show Psyche...rox me sox.

The end.

K, make sure I don't listen to Old Old Pink Floyd eva. Also, go here to see Mr. Scotty Gee (so nummy) sing some sweetness. He's oh so hott, don't drool on yer keyboards, ladies. That is all.

Thinking...Post Partum Depression Maybe?

the only words I can utter right now are lyrics:

Its awfully considerate of you to think of me here
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear that I'm not here.
And I never knew we could be so thick
And I never knew we could be so blue
And I'm grateful that you threw away my old shoes
And brought me here instead, dressed in red
And I'm wondering who could be writing this song.
I don't care if the sun don't shine
And I don't care if nothing is mine
And I don't care if I'm nervous with you
I'll do my loving in the winter.
And the sea isn't green
And I love the Queen
And what exactly is a dream
And what exactly is a joke?

_____________________

RIP Syd Barrett, January 6, 1946 - July 7, 2006

To Shin

Hey Shin,

Remember when I was driving in the desert a couple of years ago in the middle of the night and you and I were on the phone and I freakin got hit by a semi who totally just drove off and didn't kill me but didn't stop? Yeah, that was weird.

Love~

Alli

The Little Girl Giant

I've seen this before but...wow.



The Sultan's Elephant is amazing

Totally Addicted

You all know I'm a reality tv WHORE, and how I loves me some Project Runway, Big Brother All Stars, Laguna Beach, The Hills (soooooooooooooooooooo good, omg!) etc....

now, I present to you my absolute favorite:

Work Out

Trés sigh... I thought I'd hate it, nay, DESPISE IT! Mais non. I love. Love so much...


Hot lesbian lady opens Beverly Hills sports club, has hot Brazilian girlfriend who is muy jealouso, tons of gay men who look oh so fabulous all the time, drama, baby mama's, Beverly Hills mom's who are hot and obviously bi-curious, cute laptop dogs. My oh my, tis so good.

Tune in, report back.

Snakes On A Harper

Harper Elias Michael Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Easley???

I cut the baby's hair, on the sides and above his ears. Now he looks hot.

His dad wants to do the "Maddox Jolie-Pitt" mohawk.



Yay? Nay?

This Is Love

2:00 am, little noises that sound like sniffling but its only been 3 hours since the last feeding. Frustrated a bit but not enough to erase the smile from my face as I sit up slowly. By the time I'm fully upright, the sniffling is a cry.

"Don't get up, I got him," from my husband, across the room, "he just needs his binkie."

I melt all over our bed immediately.

"Bring him over here with us" I whisper.

Back to sleep for the next few hours, but not before I catch my sweet boys, laying next to me, Daddy's finger wrapped in a tiny hand in the dark.

This hurts my heart, makes that lump in my throat throb. This is love.

I might have tourettes

This is my 3rd post today.

Dude.


Anyway, I was just thinking. Since I've moved back from Seattle, I've all but abandoned my "faux hippy" speak. I don't even say "far out, Man" or anything like that anymore. It feels good, and that's what leads me to my next issue. Will I have to re-adopt the speak again when I move back? What if I keep my new speak, "faux gangsta"? Will they love and accept me even still?

I'mma hafta try it out, bitches.

Flikr

Finally gave into the Flikr.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/castaspella/


dat is all.

Oh Dear

So...I hope my husband likes the rain (he does) because I just got a promotion that will move us all up to Bellevue/Seattle Washington. Dear me, didn't I just move BACK here from there 4 years ago? Seems so, although back then, I was trying to get away from my now ex-husband and his family who are akin to the Manson family.

Yep, come January, we'll be living in the beautiful northwest again.

Crayayayayayayayzee!

Also, I ate my baby last night, now he's in my belly.

Jonah can't stop kissing this baby...

I can't stop snapping pictures of this tiny boy

The baby's laying in bed with his daddy right now. He likes to get in bed with us every morning and snuggle and I must admit, its my favorite time of the day. Who'da thunk a night owl like me would turn into such a morning person. I had completely forgotten what having a newborn was like. Its heaven and I am soaked in it. I'm so in love, forgive me for gushing. Oh and daddy? He thinks I'm the best goddess princess around for giving birth to his baby...one more benefit. He worships us. I could not be happier...knock on wood.

Brothers

Aw. Jonah is my oldest son, he's 9, and obviously...Harper is the baby incase you didn't know!

Welcome, Baby Boy

Just so you know, your brothers and sisters are obsessed with you. Your dad and I...we're so in love...with you! Words cannot express...

Harper Elias Michael Easley
6 lbs. 12 oz.
18 inches long
Born July 17th, 4:00 AM

Why Does My BROTHER Get A BABY TODAY?!?!?!

K, I wake up this morning after sleeping, oh...none. Phone is ringing, I dash (so totally not a dash, more like a slow roll/waddle/whimperwalk) to the phone that is 5 feet from my bed. I don't make it before the answering machine gets it. Got that? I didn't even get 5 feet in 6 rings. Sad. So anyway, its my brother, Taylor age 27, who is calling from his cellphone to tell me that his wife who is due AFTER ME (by one day) is in labor. I told him I was so excited for him and to call when the baby is here. No news yet, she's still in labor. It's their second baby/boy in 13 months. Yep, their first born is Derek and he's only 13 months and 6 days old. Mmmhmm, and he's starting law school in San Diego in a month. Crazy mofo.

So we get off the phone and I lay down while simultaneously being kicked on the internal organs. *commence crying and weeping on my part*

No baby yet for me. We've scheduled induction for Sunday night @8pm.

Any advice? I need a baby TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Baby Yet....

Here's what's going on in my house:

• My 7 year old wrote all over a white turtle neck with big green and purple letters that say "FLASH" and "i'll be back" and "run, sucka". He also wears it with jeans and a pair of tighty whitey undapants over the top. Oh yeah, and he made a bandito style eye covering with eyeholes cut out. I need to take a picture for you.
• my husband is totally unconscious next to me, I think he took like 3 ambien last night and now he sleeps the slumber of the dead. Not so much fun.
• I am on complete bedrest. Complete. Lay down all the time. I totally cheat and go downstairs and shopping for groceries sometimes, then I pay with pain in the baby region.
  
• This baby is still breech.
• This means he's stubborn.
• He tries to kick his feet out of my bagina.
• I don't particularly like the feeling of feet tearing through my bagina from the inside, let alone the outside.
• We decided on a middle name...well...on another part of this name we're giving this child. I think he may have 2 or 3 middle names, but so does my dad.
• Harper Elias Michael Easley is what we have on the bill now. Maybe Elias Harper Michael Easley. I'd call him Eli, everyone else will call him Harper or something. I like Eli best.
• I'm the mom.
• That means I matter most.
• Its the 4th of July, hurrah! We're going swimming out back and bbq-ing and probably to some firework show at one of the 2352365224623 shows going on around Vegas.

On a lighter note, I watched A&E's "Intervention" the other night, there was a 19 year old moon faced girl, looked like she could be my sister...she was on drugs really hard and I was suddenly taken back to my 19th year and had a little mental breakdown in silence at Walgreens at midnight. My husband just stayed quiet, which was perfect, held my hand and reassured me that I am good enough now that I'm 32 and so far from that time to be the mother of these children in my house. I realized that moment...I'm so dang far from healed. What the heck do I need next? Seriously. Seasons change, this one's not so pretty.

Hopefully this baby coming within the next 2 weeks will make me remember why I love everything...right now I just see gray film on everything...tarnish...smoky windows instead of clear ones.

...catch me later, I'll be on an upswing and I'll be much lighter. Thanks for listening, and goodnight.

Coolest Thing I've Heard All Day

So my 9 year old comes up to the office in my house where I'm working today and starts to ask the basic daily summer questions:

• can I go to [insert friend's name]'s house?
  
• can [insert friend's name] come over to OUR house?
• can I have a popcicle for breakfast?
• do I HAVE to do my chores today?
• can I watch Star Wars again?
• are you ever going to stop working today?
• can we go swimming right now?

you know...kid talk.

I say "no, no, no, yes, later, sure, at some point and not right now" and ask what everybody else is doing. This is where it gets good. Pay attention to the end, its a grand slam, in my book.

"Tiffany is watching Maury, Casey is making toast, Mackenzie is sleeping on the couch and Mike just put a corn dog on her face."

Non chalant...calmly. Damn, I love motherhood.

Sinking Even Lower Into Domestication

Hey. I have some news, if ya cares one bit.

1. I was in the hospital for ever because my right kidney, it done took a nap. Painfully. Let me tell you one thing that saved me: IV injections every 2 hours for more than a week of...yes folks...straight up Morphine. Thank you Jesus.
2. When I got out of the hospital, I realized for the first time that we're a one car family because of the turd ex husband who decided he wanted me to give my brand new Altima back. No worries. I just spent $26,955 yesterday for funsies on a new Honda Odyssey. Leather seats, A/C to all 7 seats individually, DVD player, 12 disk changer on the CD player, magic doors (!) etc. etc. etc. Feels good to be so family like. Oh damn! I'm almost as good as Britney, ya'll!
3. My hair is curly curly today, and very blonde, and when I'm looking at myself in the window in my office that shows me from my waist up, I look totally hot with my pregnant cleavage and big ass blonde hair. Man, I'm hot today...til I stand up to reveal the basketball under my shirt. Unless you're one of those people who think pregnant women are sexy. In that case...heeeeeeeeeyyyy...

K, what else? Hmm, I guess that's all. I'm tired and I need a coke, but thats about it for now.

Over and out.

Scary Banshees

I just ran across my dvd of Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Frightening, yet so lovely! I abhor banshees and the screaming they create. I do, on the other hand, like leprechauns as long as they're not trying to kill me...I like it when they yell "Where's me gooooold??????" and jump around. Gold is good.

Holy Russian

About 3 minutes in til the end of the whole thing...I couldn't breathe. Is this for real?

Climber

Hilary

I know you're not supposed to Dooce yourself, but goodness gracious, I have to vent about work.

There's a blonde. A particularly gorgeous, tiny, skinny, barbie doll lookin blonde who is in the office next to me. She dresses perfectly, she has her makeup done perfectly, she's perfect...til she speaks. You know those little girls you knew growing up who talked like they were being forced to yell? Scratchy cute voice and all but really really loud? And the laugh to shatter glass? K yeah, she's here. She's loud, and God forbid if any of us are having meetings in our offices or conference calls. She makes herself known.

She scares me. Yep.

Dude, look. MC Hammer blog. Hell yeah! thanks to Nightmare for the MC Hammer link yo

I hate that James Blunt Song "Beautiful" so much!@!!#!!$!$

Incase you were wondering, I just had a sandwich with turkey breast and light mayo and mustard on white bread and I put Doritos in it. That's how I like it.

I put together my baby's nursery yesterday, and my husband's mom gave him a dresser to build for his old apartment in Redlands but he never put it together, he just threw everything he had on the floor which I thought was so "bachelorish and hot" way back then in the 05. So I put it together and I shit you not...it had about 300 screws and we didn't have an electric screw driver so my right wrist is sore...OBVIOUSLY. Duh.

Then our big fat cat named Fatty got in the crib and layed right in the middle and I was so mad but she was cute, so we got her out and kissed her and threw her out the door and then slammed it and now she's been coming in there going in the crib every 3 seconds and now the kisses have stopped. I want to kill her, but we think she's cute so we don't.

Oh and my ex, the fag, he is trying to mess my head up by being a total dick all of the time and by hurting my kids just to make me mad so I had a total mental breakdown, and I know it was a mental breakdown because I was totally silent and my husband just held my hand because he didn't know what to say to me because I am never never silent. Imagine that! Then he said that if the ex wants to talk to me from here on out, he can just talk to him first. My ex is scared of Mike so this is good.

Now I laugh laugh laugh and I'm so laughing because cats in cribs? Absurd.

Sweet Pregnant Mama...

I think I'm the rudest mom in the land because last night, as my little ones were gathering themselves for a long winter's nap in their rooms, brushing their teeth, putting on pajamas, gathering books for their reading pleasure...I came around the corner screeching like a pterodactyl...with my best "blair witch face" up on my grill. You know the one...big eyes, nostrils flared, teeth a'flyin out. They cried and cried and cried...to which I laughed til I cried. Hey, at least I cried, jeez.

I'm totally getting the "Best Mom Of The Century" award from Oprah, I can feeeeeeel it.

Whassap

There are a few rumors out right now about me and I thought I'd extinguish one of them right now for you all:

1. I am NOT a scientologist. Although many of you think so because of the way I've been hangin with the Cruisemeister lately and his Kate-bot, its untrue. I just like their guacamole.

I do however have a pretend boyfriend and he loves me. One time we were all laying in bed and he said "I love you" and I was all "I love you" and he was all "I love you more" and I was like "No, I love YOU more" and he was all "Pshh, I love YOU more" and then we fell into a pile of giggles and rolled around on the mattress. Lovely.

K, its friday and that's bitchin! Hope your day is sweet and that you don't catch on fire!

Hipp Hipp Hooree!!!

My brother just called because he got into law school. He's going to Cal Western in San Diego, so he and his pregnant wife and their year old little boy are moving. This is exciting for oh so many reasons. Let me list a few right now, in no particular order, NOW WITH BULLETS!:

• I am now and have always been in love with the Diego of San. Love. When I lived there as a small/medium sized child, I thought I was beautiful with my long blonde hair and tan skin and blue eyes peeping out at all of the people who I imagined were saying to themselves "Dear Lord, look at that child, she's simply the most gee-OR-geous small/medium sized child I have eh-vuh seen, I do dee-clayuh" but I'm not sure why I imagined them to sound like southern belles. I just did.
• I know San Diego like the back of my hand. I go there for no reason at all quite frequently. Its my most favorite So Cal area. I can walk to a ton of places and always see something different. Plus, all the girls there are hot. All of them. Thats so hot.
• Hobos. Tons of them. They all just blend in with the area whiteys. Or they blend in with all of the mexicans who live there. Its such a friendly community, all the hobo love.
• Mexican food.
• Old Town.
• MIDGET VILLAGE!!!!! Ok, one time I heard there was a scary midget community who lives there. They live on a hill near La Jolla (my absolute second favorite place on earth) and they have little doors and little houses and little cars and little babies and little beds. Oh and I heard that if you come upon this little hidden village they come out of their houses and stand in the doorways and stare at you. Holy crap, do you ever type something scary and you scare the crap out of yourself? K, me too.
• Seaport Village. They have a kite shoppe there. Nuff said.

Do You Move?

When you're sleeping, and someone does something sweet for you, for example, if your partner closes the door extra quietly when they "think" you're sleeping, as not to wake you, do you move? Blink? Say "I'm awake"?

My kids will sneak in sometimes and bring me flowers and set them on my bedside. I'm awake, but I'm not "awake" so I keep my eyes closed so I don't ruin the moment.

This morning, my husband kissed my bare shoulder as I layed on my side. He generally sleeps the same direction as me, his front pressed against my back, spoony style, you know? Its just how we sleep, and I love it. But this morning, I was half awake in the early twilight and he kissed my shoulder but carefully so I wouldn't wake.

This to me was as good as any diamond bracelet with a card that says "I love you"...

maybe I'm just a cheap date.

I'm going to do this again!

I need to start up my bloggin again and now's the time.

What's new...hmm...well, this baby thinks he needs to come right now. My other kids are fantastic, except the fact that their father is the worst kind of ass on the planet.


Get this yo, last weekend was his weekend with the kids right? K so he only has them 2 weekends a month and even on those days, he picks them up at about 6 on Friday afternoon and brings them home on Sunday morning at about 9 am. I take them back to his house at like 3:00 after I take them to church with me and Mike and then he brings them back Sunday night at 9. This is the plan. When you add it up, he only has these kids for about eh... 4 days a month, if that. He also is supposed to have them on Wed and Thurs nights from 4-9, but he never shows up on time and then he brings them home at like 7. Sweet. All in all...he has the 4 kids for about 100 hours per month. People. THERE ARE 720 hours in a month. K, so I get them for 620 hours per month (if he takes the kids on the days he's supposed to) and he's supposed to pay the minimum the state of Nevada requires. Right?

K, so lets start here. Last weekend, the kids go to a family wedding my family is having and afterwards, we call to make sure he's home (its like 9:30pm) to bring them over. He says to keep them at home, he doesn't want them tonight. K, heart break for the kids number 1.

So he picks them up on Saturday morning and has them all night, k, so far so good. He brings them home for church, all nasty and unfed of course, so I shower them all, get them all pretty and take them back over there around 3. Well, about 6 o'clock, he calls and my husband answers. First of all, my ex. He's all of about 5'6", but he's supposedly really attractive, so he gets away with it without people noticing he's a midget. Anyway, Joe (the ex) is scared of my new husband (Mike) who is about 6'1"-6'2" and big and kinda scary looking. So anyway......Joe calls, Mike answers and Joe's ready to just rail me out about the kids but he stutters and says

"Um, are you guys home?"

No you stupid ass, we're not home. We just pay impersonators to answer our HOME PHONE that YOU JUST DIALED for shits and giggles.

Mike says "yes" and Joe says "ok, I'm bringing the kids home."

Alllllright, so you've had your fill of them for 3 hours on your weekend? Sweet.

Anyway, the kids walk in, they're all upset saying that their stepmom threatened to throw rocks at their heads and smack them. K, honestly people, I WANTED Joe to get remarried, he wasn't leaving Mike and I alone til he found Heidi but dear heaven above...we all thought she was normal.

Just for note...here...just as advice for you all:

If you marry someone on your 3rd date...you're straight up nuts.

Ok, so they got married on the third time they SAW eachother. She lived in Idaho, he's here in Vegas. They planned a big fat wedding in 1 week with all of their family and crap and did it. Um. They'd seen eachother 2 times before that and talked on the phone for 2 weeks before the big day. PEOPLE, THEY GOT MARRIED ONLY 14 DAYS AFTER THEY MET.

So she takes her 2 little kids out of the state illegally to move to Vegas to live with sad ol' Joe in his stank apartment and they proceed to live happily ever after. Praise Allah.

Well, she's just as psycho as the previous decision making would have you believe. She hates my kids and has NO problem telling them that. She's left Joe already and um, they've only been married for 9 mos. At least she came back, poor man. Match made in heaven.

Ok so I am venting and he's already 2 and a half months in arrears (after only 10 mos of our being divorced) and home daddy is going to jail if he doesn't catch up by July. PLUS pay back support. This isn't my doing...this is the state of Nevada.

Argh. Remember when I sold his boat for cheap? Those were the good ol' days.